The Ruminating Mum

Tag: Ruminating Mum

  • Ogre in Me

    Ogre in Me

    Trigger warning. Major mum guilt and shame!

    Today, I am so thankful that my daughter is a beautiful soul. I, on the other hand, am a fricking ogre!

    Just lately, my daughter and I have been clashing a lot. Since she started school, her behaviour has changed dramatically. She’s naughtier, pushes boundaries more and just generally is cheekier. She’s got her dad’s sense of humour, for sure, so she thinks she’s hilarious!

    Of course, these are all normal things, kids will always test boundaries, but just lately I’m feeling so intensely overwhelmed that I’m finding it hard to see the funny side. So I just end up snapping and getting frustrated.

    My 4 year old daughter was invited to a classmate’s birthday party. When it came to the time to eat, there was a mad dash of children scrambling to the tables to claim a seat and, unfortunately, she did not manage to sit next to her best friend.
    After finally managing to calm her down, I steered her towards a seat next to a boy in her class. The boy began to protest that his friend had been sitting there. I felt really bad, but my daughter had begun to eat so I apologised profusely to the parents for the mistake. Of which they said not to worry about it.

    But when his friend returned, after nipping to the toilet, he was distraught at losing his seat and I felt horrendous. His mum tried to say it was okay and convince her son that he could sit in another seat, but he would not have it. To him it was a really big deal and it was not an option to go sit further around the table.

    There was only one thing to do. I knelt down to my daughter and asked kindly if she would mind moving to the next seat that was free, so that he could have his seat back, as I’d mistakenly sat her in his seat.
    The little star said yes, so we swapped her over to the other seat and he was able, once again, to sit next to his friend. 

    Photo by Ivan Samkov on Pexels.com

    What a beautiful young girl my daughter is becoming. When an opportunity arose to follow through on an act of kindness for her friend, she did so without hesitation. 

    I, on the other hand, I am such an ogre lately, and I don’t know how to snap out of it. I just feel so tense and stretched thin. I’m trying to keep my head above water, but the weight of all the things that are required of me are dragging me under.
    I don’t want to snap at my little girl. I don’t want to feel so overwhelmed all the time. I just want to feel happy again. Whatever that is.

    After a huge bout of anxiety, the doctor has put me on anti-anxiety medication. I really hoped the tablets would help. I mean, to some extent they have. I’m definitely not as bad as I was and it’s possible the dosage just isn’t strong enough. I just worry that the tablets are what’s making me worse. 

    I know what I need to do; I need to contact the doctors and speak about it. I am just so reluctant to go through another round of feeling rubbish from either upping the dosage or changing entirely to something else. 

    I really should be sleeping, not sitting up writing this. I just needed to write for a minute. I needed to focus on the beauty of my little girl today. Her beautiful soul. 

    I did at least, despite my ogreish, snappy behaviour today, manage to tell her how amazing she was to help the boy like that.

    The little gem also illustrated a book today. It was all her idea. I helped her with some spelling, and her dad and I both helped her to sellotape it together when it started to fall apart. The book contained pages of Paw Patrol pups that she had drawn and their names. 

    There was even a moment where she realised that the name Chase was a tricky word because the ‘e’ is silent and the ‘e’ is magic, so it makes the ‘a’ sound like it’s name. Amazing! She’s only 4 years old.

    I need to strive to be better. I will do better. I have to do better.

    Reflections

    At the time of writing this post, I needed an outlet for my shame and guilt about how I have been responding, lately, but sometimes it’s difficult to share how we feel with people we know. Or to even know where to begin to make things better.

    So I think at times like this we have to think about it from somebody else’s perspective. What would your best friend say if you talked to them about this? What would your therapist say?

    I know a good friend of mine would tell me to give myself a break. To take in some perspective. I’m a single mum to two children age 4 years and 2 years. I have a lot going on, it’s understandable that I am stressed, overwhelmed and tired.

    So in these moments, where the shame and guilt weigh heavy on our shoulders, try to take a moment to reflect. No parent is perfect, no parent gets it right all the time. The only thing we can do is to reflect, take accountability for our big emotions(we’re not here to make excuses for ourselves), apologise for them and strive to do better next time. And each time, step by step, the change will happen.

    I heard a great quote recently which said “All change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end.” Unfortunately I can’t remember the person’s name who spoke it as it was contained in one of the many videos I watch when doom scrolling on social media.

    Authors Note

    I don’t really know the exact intentions of this post. I suppose I hope that someone out there, maybe feeling a similar feeling that they’re not doing things right, will take something from this.

  • The Little Wins

    The Little Wins

    Being a parent is tough and sometimes it can feel like trying to climb a mountain with a ten ton weight on your shoulders, when a toddler is just not willing to cooperate. But sometimes we just need to see the little wins for what they are; a win!

    My little boy has been asking to buy a blue scooter, so he can ride just like his big sister does and seeing as though we are soon to be entering the beginning of summer, I decided this was probably the perfect time to allow him to learn. He does have a Paw Patrol scooter, but we found that with it having two wheels at the back, rather than at the front, he struggles to be able to ride it.

    Photo by Polesie Toys on Pexels.com

    After buying his scooter, we returned home. I needed to take a parcel to the post office nearby, so it was a great opportunity to let him have a little ride on his new scooter.
    He was really excited and eager to set off. He even told me not to help when I anxiously hovered my hands in case he wobbled.
    Silly mummy, he had this, didn’t I know?

    He was slow on it, but he rode it most of the way to the post office, with only a little help as the paths where we live are so poorly managed, the paving slabs are really uneven in places. My daughter had already had an unfortunate face plant on her scooter when riding this path, so even with her I find myself cautiously keeping them steady on the bumpier bits.
    As awful as it was, it did prove to be a valuable lesson to her why we must always wear a helmet, because had she not worn it she would have broken her nose, for sure.

    If you hadn’t noticed by now, I do get a little off topic sometimes lol! Back to the topic at hand.

    We made it to the post office and I explained to my little boy that he couldn’t ride the scooter in the shop. He must get off and walk nicely, which he did without too much fuss and an acknowledging “Okay, mummy.”
    However, once we entered the shop and were stuck in a boring queue, waiting for a member of staff to be free, he wanted to ride his scooter again and tried his hardest to get back on it.

    Understandably, for a two year old, waiting even a minute seems like a lifetime, so the paddy began. I held my cool, sure that my face was becoming flushed. I don’t like people to notice me at the best of times, so when my toddler/child is creating and drawing attention, I just want to crawl in a cave and hide.
    We were finally served by the member of staff and my son actually stopped creating and behaved as good as gold until we left the shop, which was a relief.
    When we got out of the shop, however, the biggest meltdown of all began. We needed to return home, so I steered him back the way we came. Out of nowhere he began trying to turn the scooter around and he became distraught and suddenly started crying.

    This isn’t the first time this has happened. It’s possible that walking back the way we came is not acceptable to him. Or perhaps he thought we were going somewhere else, or that maybe he just didn’t want to go home so soon. But unfortunately, this time, I needed to get us home again pretty quick to put a chicken in the oven for dinner.

    I suppose in hindsight it wasn’t the best time to let him ride the scooter for the first time, but at the same time, he needed an opportunity to have a go on it.

    From there and most of the way home, he refused to walk or ride the scooter. In utter refusal to turn around, I scooped him up, picked up the scooter, and marched home with him protesting in my arms. He is getting quite heavy now for me to carry, so I kept trying to encourage him to either ride the scooter or stand on it so I could pull him home. He was having none of it.

    What was a super exciting adventure, riding his new scooter, became yet another difficult journey home.

    When we finally arrived at home, the mood unfortunately carried on and this is one of those times when I probably should have picked my battles.

    My son was hungry again. At lunch time, he hadn’t really entertained the cheese wrap that he’d agreed to eat.
    After the fact, it occurred to me that it possibly wasn’t the right block of cheese that he liked. He can be quite particular with what he will and won’t eat, at the moment.

    We finally settled on something for him to eat, but I wanted him to sit at the kitchen table, however, he was insistent that he was going to sit in the lounge and eat whilst watching Numberblocks.
    But of course, me being me, still feeling somewhat stressed from the walk home, I stuck to my guns and said no. I’d asked him to sit at the table and that he could watch Numberblocks after he’d finished his food.
    Well… at least 10 mins later, the meltdown was still in full swing. Tears streaming down his face. How dare I not let him eat his food whilst watching his favourite program. The big emotions were definitely out in the open.

    I offered him hugs, tried to console him enough to find some calm, but realised I’d made my bed, so I had to just carry on with the no TV rule. I mean, if it’s a snack, I’m usually not too bothered by TV. It’s meal times where I draw the line. But I guess, to him, his food was merely a snack.
    Although he’d rejected it, in his eyes he’d eaten his lunch.

    He calmed enough for me to begin washing up before dinner prep and he began to play with a toy. It was only a short while later, I realised he’d edged nearer to his food, which he had abandoned in a bowl on the chair.
    I slowly took a step closer to see if he was finally eating and to my delight he was actually sat on the chair in the living room, munching away on his food; the TV was long forgotten.

    Shortly after I thought he had finished his food. I went in to act as I had promised, to put Numberblocks on the TV for him, when he had finished eating, only to realise he still had a few bites left. I braced myself as I slowly lowered the remote (or “clicker” as it is now called in our house. Thanks Nanny lol!) praying that the meltdown wouldn’t resume and do you know what… the little star sat there munched away happily on his last few bites. He then bounded into the kitchen, placed his bowl in the sink as requested with another little “Okay, mummy” and returned to have his hands wiped.

    He was happy once again, sitting comfortably watching Numberblocks, like it had never happened.

    Reflections

    I think, often, we don’t realise just how strong our resilience is when it comes to riding the wave of emotions from our little ones. At the time, our shoulders tense, the stress levels rise and if you’re anything like me, I find it hard to shake that feeling off when the moment has passed.


    Our toddlers and children are amazing examples that in order to heal an emotion, we have to feel an emotion. ( I heard that quote somewhere, but me being me, I’ve completely forgotten where. Probably on one of the many podcasts I listen to.)
    He was upset with me; I made him go the wrong way after the post office and then I wouldn’t let him watch his favourite TV program. He’s two and a half years old; in his world that was a huge deal and after hugging it out, allowing him to feel and get through the emotions, we reached a peaceful end.

    I don’t always react the right way. I know I can be a tad hot headed and stubborn, so when I say something, like impose a rule, I tend to stick to my guns and will not be swayed, no matter the paddy.
    I did, however, manage to show him that mummy meant what she had said so when he finished his food he was then able to watch his favourite program.

    Another thing I try to keep in mind, is that despite how hard it is to parent my strong willed child, I know that what is difficult now will make a brilliant quality for my child, later in life.

    So to sum up, when life with a toddler or child(or even on occasion the adults) have big emotions, just remember the little wins.
    That even if you don’t see it now, one day you’ll hopefully look back and think, wow that did make a difference.

  • A Little Introduction.

    Welcome to my blog, The Ruminating Mum.

    As I sit here, writing this, I’m not even sure if I will manage to pluck up the courage to post what I write, but for now, I will start with just a little bit about myself.

    My name is Tamzin, Tamz for short, and I am a 38-year-old single mum of two children: a girl aged 4 years old (almost 5) and a boy aged 2 1/2 years old (almost 3).

    You can probably tell from the title of my blog that I am a deep thinker and have, unfortunately, spent most of my life ruminating and worrying my way through to now.
    I have more recently been trying really hard to be better and seek help for my anxiety, through the way of talking and, more recently, through medication.
    I’m self-diagnosed (still awaiting an official diagnosis) with ADHD, which I think, more often than not, is the root cause of my struggles.

    It is through my current healing process that I sought solace in writing down how I was feeling. Writing feels good, especially when something is weighing on my mind, as a way to feel some sense of release.

    After writing my thoughts and feelings of the day down, I found myself looking over what I had written and trying to think of it from another’s perspective. By doing so, I was able to not excuse my thoughts or behaviors, but better understand what was happening and try to use that in order to show up better next time.

    I mean, let’s face it, no matter how hard we strive as parents to be perfect for our children, we’re going to get it wrong from time to time, and what matters is how we show them the ability to apologise when we’re wrong, show them how to work through OUR big emotions, and strive to be better. Not only for them, but for ourselves and others around us.

    I’m going to lay it out there that I am in no way a professional. I have never trained in any way that would allow me to say I am qualified to help people. I am definitely not that. I suppose I hope that, just by showing up and talking about my experiences, no matter how big or small, maybe someone reading this might find the courage to talk about their own struggles as a parent.

    I firmly believe that talking openly is the key to healing, and if someone doesn’t want to hear it, then find the one person who will, even if that is a stranger at the other end of a helpline.

    But hey, maybe you’re happy with how you are, and you just like to read blogs; that’s totally fine, too. Hi.

    I will kindly ask, though, that people keep this a safe space. I will not accept hurtful or hateful comments. I am just a mum, a human being, trying to get through life and parenting without a manual, just like everyone else, and with very little support.

    If you can do one thing today, be kind. Please. That’s all I ask.