The Ruminating Mum

Tag: life

  • Crippling Overwhelm

    Crippling Overwhelm

    Photo by Tara Winstead on Pexels.com

    I can’t cope today. I feel my shoulders and neck tensing up like I have the weight of a thousand responsibilities. The jobs never end. I know that, and yet I still let the never-ending to-do list get on top of me.

    It’s Saturday; I’ve just had two days of the kids being at school and nursery. I’ve got “all day” to get things done. The thing is, I did a lot. I had a sudden surge of motivation, and I spent two days listing my daughter’s old clothes for sale.

    But I still have jobs to do on Saturday. Always. Something as simple as my daughter has P.E. on a Friday, so I can’t wash the dark clothes until Saturday. My little boy has been at nursery, so I can’t wash the coloured laundry either. Yes, I could buy more clothes, but that feels more wasteful, not to mention it requires spending more money.

    I think the thing that gets me is that after a week of work, school, and nursery runs, when Saturday comes around, I just want to plod through the day. I haven’t got the energy for expectations. I’m spent. So, to not feel overwhelmed on a Saturday feels like an impossibility.

    It’s also my last day off before the work week begins again. I need to relax, but Saturdays are far from relaxing. I just feel so tense.
    Anything my kids do to push the boundaries makes me explode.

    I hear “You should be taking them out of the house,” “you should be spending time with them,” “you should be enjoying the time when they’re not in school and nursery.”

    I know… I know… I know. It breaks me. I hear those words and countless more, what feels like a million times, spiralling around my head. People just don’t realise the mental weight that a few simple words can have on a person with overwhelm.

    This morning, I woke up exhausted. My brain woke when my alarm would usually go off on a school day, and I was desperate for a lie-in, but I couldn’t fall back asleep, despite the fact that my two children were still fast asleep. It figures!

    So up I got and made porridge for us all. When we had all eaten, I was about to go in the shower when I realised the washer had finished, so I loaded the dryer, thankful it was a rainy day and I could be “lazy” today. The kids then played in their bedroom while I took a shower.

    A nice, relaxing shower, how wonderful you say… no, if only. The bath and shower needed cleaning, so I had a quick shower and then spent the next twenty minutes cleaning them. I got out, and seeing as though I was already in motion, I figured I might as well clean the sink and toilet, too.

    A moment later, my daughter appears out of her bedroom to declare that I have been far too long and she is absolutely starving; her words.

    Downstairs again, I prepare two bowls of fruit: strawberries for my son and strawberries, blueberries, and grapes for my daughter.

    I turn around and there is the mountain of breakfast dishes staring back at me, silently judging. The drainer is, of course, still full. I clear the dishes, during which my daughter declares she is starving again… *insert eye roll and sigh.*

    The day continues on like this and for some daft reason I somehow feel I have the capability to also cook a roast chicken dinner.

    I will never learn.

    Reflections

    I realise something when reading back this post. I did too much of one thing on Thursday and Friday. Instead of just doing a little bit and taking a moment to relax, I burned out.

    Although I do have to add that I still feel like this when I’ve spent my two days off concentrating on day-to-day chores.

    I find it so hard not to go all out on a task. I struggle with the thought of a task dragging on for days, weeks, or longer.

    Also, I know that listing as many similar clothes at the same time creates more of a chance to sell multiple items in bundles.

    I think the main thing I have to take from this is I need to not go all out. I have to find a way not to reach burnout.

    I keep being told I need to schedule some time for myself to relax. Having ADHD, I struggle to keep up with a diary or schedule, so this is something with which I struggle.

    One thing I did notice recently that helped me was using Google Calendar and Tasks to schedule appointment times as it notifies me on my phone and watch. I think trying that would be a good idea; now I just need to find a way to remind myself to actually remember to schedule the tasks/time in the first place.

    On a good note, I sold one box full of the two that I listed, so that feels good. I also made the decision to donate some of the clothes that I had left to list for sale.

    It’s hard when you have things to get rid of, be they old clothes or long-forgotten toys, to part with them without feeling the need to try to sell them first; like somehow you are missing out, despite the fact that you know they have had their money’s worth.

    I am almost tempted to go through my son’s old clothes and just pick out a smaller selection to sell and donate the rest. It would be a good exercise in self-care, and although it’s nice to sell them to have money to buy new clothes, it’s not the be-all and end-all. It’s a good thing to help out a charity. It’s also good for my mental sanity to release myself of the burden and have one less weight to carry on my shoulders.

    So I think a really good takeaway from this is how we can release ourselves from even just one small burden or unnecessary obligation that we have imposed on ourselves. Can we donate some clothes instead of selling them? Can we offer some old toys to a local nursery or leave them out on a nice day with a sign saying “free to a good home”?

    Of course, if you really do need to sell them in order to buy new clothes and that is a necessity, not a choice, that is completely understandable. In that situation, just take the time to slowly chip away at it, rather than going all in like I did and burning out.

    Be kind to yourself. Always.

  • Embracing Uncertainty: My Bin Mishap

    Photo by Haberdoedas Photography on Pexels.com

    “How dignified chasing the refuse collectors, begging to have my bin emptied because I forgot to put it out the night before.”

    The day begins as my alarm goes off. With every alert on my smart watch, I turn it off and drift back to sleep, until finally the threat of sleeping in for work is upon me.

    As I lay in bed trying to keep my eyes open long enough, propping invisible match sticks to force them open, I hear an all too familiar sound.

    The bins were being emptied and I had forgotten to put my bin out… in the peak of a summer heatwave!

    As I heard the refuse collectors, emptying the bins and driving further down the street, I felt defeated.
    With the temperatures soaring, the last thing you want is a bin full of rubbish for two weeks.

    I looked out of my window, half expecting for them to be long gone, to see they weren’t actually as far away as I thought. They were in fact just reversing down the nearest side street.

    With that a new wave of emotion enveloped me: determination.
    I ran around the room like a headless chicken, trying to find a suitable outfit to throw on.

    I ran out of the back door, dragged my bin to the front of the house and waited for the refuse truck to resurface from the side street.

    Just to add to my mortification, my neighbour who lives opposite came out on his bike and said hello as he rode past. Who knows what he was thinking as I loitered at the end of my drive holding my bin handle.

    As the truck pulled out of the side street I quickly began dragging the bin towards the guy walking beside it, waving at him like a mad woman.

    I have to say he was very polite about it and promptly emptied my bin without complaint. I apologised profusely for forgetting to bring it out on time and thanked him for his kindness.

    But how dignified chasing the refuse collectors, begging to have my bin emptied because I forgot to put it out the night before.

    That is my life. Forgetful, embarrassing, apologetic.

    Reflections

    Today, though, as I walked my now empty bin back through the side gate, I began to laugh.

    A year ago there is no way I would have actually taken my bin out and asked them to empty it. I would have sat stewing, pacing the house, kicking myself for not going out with it, or for not putting it out on time.

    A year ago there’s no way I would leave the house having just chucked some clothes on, fresh out of bed with no hairspray on my hair!

    Today I thought, what the hell, who cares what I look like and what’s the worst that can happen: he says no, he’s really rude about it or he’s nice about it.

    Thankfully he was the latter of the three and it just goes to show you can’t judge a situation before it’s happened.

    I have been working on facing uncertainty and today I embraced it.

  • Overcoming Party Anxiety: A Mother’s Reflection

    Overcoming Party Anxiety: A Mother’s Reflection

    Photo by Rick Lage on Pexels.com

    Parties have never been my thing. I think when it comes to big group gatherings, I find it so hard to know where I should be or which conversation I should join in with that I just end up on the sidelines, observing.

    Today was different. Today I made it through my daughter’s birthday party, where she was able to invite her first school friends. Don’t get me wrong; I still found it incredibly difficult, but I am proud that I was able to show up for my daughter and saw a glimmer of the mum I want to be.

    Up to now, we’ve only had a few family get-togethers, which my daughter thoroughly enjoyed. It was easier for me to manage my anxiety because I was surrounded by loved ones. It felt less unpredictable, meaning I was able to engage and enjoy the day without being consumed by the anxiety and nervousness that I would feel at a larger gathering.

    I know I can easily build things up in my head and blow things out of proportion. Just the sheer thought of having to entertain parents and children that I don’t really know puts me into a state of panic.

    Yet today, I did it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I felt slightly awkward at times, but the conversations for the most part flowed naturally. I didn’t feel like I needed to force anything.

    When I felt a mum might be feeling a little left out, as she didn’t know anyone else, I went out of my way to talk to her. I dealt with another child needing a change of clothes. I tried my best to speak up when I needed to.

    Now I’m not saying I’m cured and that I can now cope with throwing a full class party for thirty children, but I have proven to myself today that I am more capable than I believed possible.

    Today I feel proud of myself!

    Reflections

    I think the thing I will take from this the most is that I can easily overplay things in my head, to the point that they become something that will most likely not even happen.

    It comes from a real depth of uncertainty: not knowing what will happen, how people will perceive me, and how I will cope with it all.

    I know I shouldn’t care what people think of me, but I think that comes from a deep feeling of not feeling accepted. I still don’t know where I fit into the world, so I always feel like people won’t like me. I also have a bad habit of saying something daft that I didn’t want to say and instantly regretting it, awkwardly tripping over something, or being just generally clumsy.

    In times like these, we just have to remember that a little uncertainty is okay. It’s impossible to know everything or every outcome. But by facing these uncertain moments, we will prove to ourselves that it’s okay and we can get through things, no matter how much our anxiety tries to tell us otherwise.

    One of my favourite mantras at the moment is: Avoidance is not the answer. Whenever I’m feeling like my mind is spiralling, I remind myself that avoidance will feed the anxiety; avoidance lets the anxiety win.

  • When You Can’t Find the Words to Write!

    When You Can’t Find the Words to Write!

    Photo by Ivan Samkov on Pexels.com

    Don’t you hate it when you really want to write something and your brain basically puts on the brakes and says, “Nope! Not today!” So you find yourself aimlessly staring at a blank page?

    These past few days, I’ve really struggled to write anything. I get a fleeting thought of what I want to write, so I get out my Chromebook, open up WordPress, write a few sentences, and it’s like all my thoughts have vanished into thin air.

    At any other moment, my brain barely stops ticking over; trying to have a nice, relaxing shower, time for bed, when you’ve got 101 jobs that urgently require your full concentration… BAM! The brain goes into full overdrive, replaying every conversation and every embarrassing moment you’ve ever had in your entire life!

    It’s probably not helped that I’ve barely slept these last few days because of the heat. Seriously, it’s really time that air conditioning becomes a standard in British homes! With each year that passes, the sudden changes in temperature are stifling. But I digress.

    Reflection

    It’s funny because I wrote this in annoyance that my brain wouldn’t work and that I was struggling to write something, and in my frustration, I ended up writing anyway. HA! I will not be defeated, not even by my own worst enemy: my brain!

    So maybe that is a worthwhile trick if you’re really struggling to get something out and find yourself staring at a blank page or a sentence that just doesn’t want to evolve: write about how frustrating that is.

    Because maybe it will distract you enough to create even a small shift in focus, allowing you to gain a fresh perspective on your situation and reignite the creativity and motivation that have previously eluded you.

  • Finding Time for Fitness

    Finding Time for Fitness

    Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

    From the minute we wake up, we are bombarded with a constant reminder that we need to be fitter, we need to live healthier, and we need to be better. But how do you achieve this when you feel like you’re just surviving from day to day? When you’re simply trying to keep your head above water in the sea of requirements placed upon you.

    As a parent of young children, life is understandably busy from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. Finding time to fit in even just a little bit of fitness is often a weight on my mind.

    On top of parenting, I, unfortunately, suffer from anxiety, which leads to frequent mood swings and low moods. Fitness really is a necessity more than a want, but I find it difficult to muster the mental motivation.

    Fitness is a great mood regulator; there is no doubt about it. It releases endorphins, so for me, it is probably one of the most important things that I need to embrace. Not only will it make me healthier and more able to physically keep up with my children, it will improve my mental wellbeing, too, which will help me mentally deal with the day-to-day pressures of being a parent.

    Having young children does make it harder; the day is busier, but ultimately I know I have to make the time, not make excuses.

    Reflections

    So how do I make time? I’ve always found this concept hilarious; like you can just pluck an extra hour out of thin air and, voilà, you now have the time to work out!

    Well, here’s the thing: fitness does not need to be difficult to be effective.
    We don’t need to be suddenly burning our way through a 45-minute cardio workout. We don’t need to be working out five times a week.

    Obviously, working out more will give greater results. That is a no-brainer. But if you’re anything like me, you think too far ahead; you put unnecessary pressure on yourself that in order to be healthier, fitter, and mentally stronger, you have to give it your all or nothing.

    We don’t!

    If we put that pressure on ourselves that we’re not achieving because we’re not hitting the gym several times a week or walking 3 hours a day, then most likely, we will fail.

    We may start that way, and maybe we last a week or two, giving it our all, but we will soon realise that it is not sustainable in the long term.

    So how do we make time and increase fitness in our lives effectively?

    With small intentions.

    Simply starting with small intentions is key. It’s key to building strong, healthy habits; it’s key to reducing the overwhelm that leads to us giving up.

    Simple things like getting up and walking when you’ve been sitting for a long time.

    Been sitting for half an hour? Take 5 minutes to walk up and down the stairs in your house. Stand up and walk/march on the spot.
    Get your blood pumping, get those endorphins flowing.

    For me, personally, I’ve got small children, and I would love to incorporate more time for fitness when they’re actually around. I want to be able to set a good example early in life for them that I didn’t have growing up.

    My biggest wall that I know I put up is that I feel self-conscious. I hate being watched while doing anything, so working out in front of my children is anxiety-inducing.

    The sad thing is, I know the more I actually do it, the easier it will become. So this is something I need to work on for myself and for them.

    I need to set small, good intentions. I need to try to let go of the hang-up that I can’t let anybody see me do things, especially when it comes to fitness.

    So when you feel like incorporating fitness into your life is unmanageable and you simply don’t have the time…

    Try just 5 minutes.

    Set a timer and go for it. Because when you start to feel the benefits: the increased mood, the increased energy levels, the willingness to motivate yourself, that’s when bit by bit, step by step, you will find yourself capable of doing more.

    Author’s Note.

    I am not a medical professional. Always work within your physical capabilities. If you’re unsure what fitness activities you can incorporate into your life, especially if you have underlying health conditions, speak to your doctor or medical professional.

    I speak from experience that I have, many times, gotten carried away, gone hell for leather on a 45-minute workout only to realise a few days later that I’ve caused myself an injury, and why? Because I dove into the deep end before I learned to tread water.

    Starting small and working your way up will make you stronger in a healthier, progressive way. Listen to your body, and if you’re unsure, consult a medical professional.

  • To all the dads/men out there…

    To all the dads/men out there…

    Photo by Inzmam Khan on Pexels.com

    To all the dads;

    The single dads striving to play the role of mum and dad.

    The hard working dads who spend most of their time out at work, unable to spend as much time as they like with their family.

    The dads who feel like they’re inadequately not doing as much as they should or want to.

    The dads who are estranged from their child(ren) or have lost a child.

    The men who want to be dads but haven’t yet had children.

    To all men:

    Don’t bottle it up: speak up.

    With Father’s Day, just around the corner, I want to take a moment to reach out to not just dads but all the men out there that feel like they don’t know where to start when it comes to talking about what is going on in their lives.

    Men so easily feel like talking about how they are feeling is somehow a shameful thing to do, like if they show how they are feeling that that in some way makes them less of a man.

    That is not the case.

    I, and I’m sure many others do too, respect a man more who truly feels and shows his true self.

    By talking and speaking up when life is getting you down, it not only helps you but it helps teach our future generations that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to need support. It’s okay to need help from time to time. It is not something to be ashamed of.

    I see this first hand, on a daily basis, how a man in need can hide how they’re feeling, how they don’t want to burden their partners or family and it saddens me.

    You can’t heal by bottling thoughts and feelings up inside.

    To heal an emotion we have to first let ourselves feel an emotion.

    If you feel that you don’t have a friend or family member or trusted person that you can talk to, reach out to a charity, contact your doctor/medical professional, call a helpline. Just please, speak up.

    If you are really struggling to contact someone; start by writing it down. Get the words out. Sometimes just finding some way to unburden the heavy load can help to give a sense of release.

    Too many men don’t speak up and it costs them their lives. It’s time to change that narrative.

    Showing true vulnerability is not a weakness, it is a strength.

    Showing true emotions is not a weakness, it is crucial for your overall well-being.

    Please. Speak up.

  • Happiness is a Bunch of Tulips

    Happiness is a Bunch of Tulips

    Okay, so obviously happiness is not literally a bunch of tulips, but what if I told you that making just one simple gesture, could lead you to happiness.

    Every day, I finish work, I pick up any bits of shopping I might need and every day I walk past the bouquets of flowers and I think to myself, I can’t waste money buying myself a bunch of flowers, so I carry on, pay for my shopping and go home.

    Well today I changed the narrative. Today, I bought myself a bunch of tulips. Today I told myself I deserve the bunch of tulips.

    Photo by Natalia Yamboglo on Pexels.com

    A bunch of flowers, no matter how big or small can brighten up a room, release a fresh delicate fragrance and bring a little joy to an otherwise ordinary day.

    By allowing yourself such a simple pleasure, for just a moment, you’ve allowed yourself to feel joy. You’ve told yourself you deserve to feel good.

    Now I’m not saying this is going to rapidly change your life, and I certainly wouldn’t recommend going out and blowing loads of money to make yourself feel good. It’s not that happiness can only be bought.

    It’s simply allowing yourself to be kind to yourself from time to time.

    Allowing yourself to take a step towards a happier way of thinking.

    Allowing yourself to deserve even a small piece of happiness

    By planting the seed that you do deserve happiness, maybe, just maybe, it will help you to grow a happier, healthier way of life.

  • A Worry Shared is a Worry Halved

    A Worry Shared is a Worry Halved

    Today my daughter did something brilliant. She shared a worry with me and I feel so grateful that she felt that was able to share something so important to her.

    Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

    When it was time for her to go to bed and I thought she was settled for sleep, I returned downstairs, but within minutes she was back at the gate, at the top of the stairs, calling for me.

    When I got to the bottom of the stairs, she looked sad and said “Mummy, I’ve got something bad I’m thinking about and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

    Of course, I immediately went up the stairs, took her back to her bedroom and sat with her whilst she told me what was on her mind.

    “It’s important to tell your grown ups if you have a worry, isn’t it?” she asks.

    “Of course it is,” I say. “A worry shared is a worry halved. You can always talk to me about anything.”

    She paused for a moment and then told me “When we went out riding the other day and my conker fell in the road, I nearly fell into the road. Next time I’m with Daddy on my bike, I’ll stay with him. Because I was going too fast.”

    To shed a bit more light on the topic, their dad had come round to our house. He decided to take our son and daughter out for a mini bike ride, during which time I stayed at home to get some jobs done.

    Whilst they were out our daughter, now quite confident on her bike decided to speed off, leaving her dad and little brother behind.

    Our son is only two years old and although he is very good on his balance bike, he of course, needs our full supervision.

    At this point I receive a call from their dad asking me to come out quick because he was stuck with our son and our daughter had bolted. He was very worried.

    When I came out of the house, she was at the end of the road, crying stood staring at something in the road and I think she was about to go retrieve it but he got to her in time, before I could get there.

    As I approached them she was in tears, screaming her head off. Whilst they were out, she’d found a conker and because she was going too fast, when she stopped at the edge of the road, she must have dropped it and a car had driven over it.

    She was very lucky that it wasn’t her that was driven over! Although, from what I could gather, I don’t think there was a car there, about to turn in, when she approached the road, so that is also lucky.

    It’s times like these where being a parent feels like the scariest thing in the world. Our little humans are so unpredictable and our two are particularly headstrong. When they get an idea it’s a split second decision and they’re off.

    Their dad was understandably very worried about it all. He hadn’t done anything wrong, it’s just one of those things. Our daughter chose a horrible moment to test a boundary but luckily the strength of her brakes prevailed and it all ended okay.

    Well… except for the conker. (Honestly, sometimes if you don’t laugh at something, you’ll cry.)

    Since this happened, it is clear that our daughter has been mulling it over in her mind. She thought about it and processed what we said to her about not speeding off too far and realised she shouldn’t do that because it’s not safe.

    I feel so proud and grateful that she felt she could share this worry with me.

    We often speak about how if there’s anything bothering her that she should share it with us and today she heeded that advice and shared with me.

    It just shows that when we think they’re not listening and nothing we say or do matters; it really does. So to anybody that needs to hear it; keep going. You got this.

  • The Danger Nap!

    The Danger Nap!

    Photo by Gianni Orefice on Pexels.com

    How can 30 mins of napping ruin an evening, you ask? I’ll tell you how.

    I picked up my son from his nursery today. The nursery worker very apologetically told me how she’d arrived back from her break to find my son asleep. He’d only slept for 30 mins.

    It won’t do any harm, right? Wrong!

    Later that evening, it’s edging towards my son’s bedtime, but I’m conscious of the nap that he had, so I allow just a little more time before ushering him upstairs. He gets ready reasonably well, without any meltdowns, which since dropping his nap have been a frequent bedtime routine visitor. So he’s all ready for bed, we read two books, tuck him in for the night and return to my daughter, ready to put her to bed.

    My daughter, however, is less willing. “I’m not tired,” she says. But with putting her brother to bed slightly later, now she is going to bed later, also, and to make it worse, it’s a school night.

    I wade through the barrage of complaints from my daughter, trying to encourage her towards getting ready for bed. Meanwhile, my son has decided he’s not tired either and would like a cuddle. So I break away from being able to get my daughter ready for bed to go upstairs and give him a cuddle and put him back to bed.

    Within less than a few minutes of returning downstairs, my daughter has not made any attempt to get ready for bed and is laid moping on the floor and my son is now out of bed again and at the gate at the top of the stairs.

    You can see where I’m going with this, right?

    After several more attempts to get my daughter ready, my son finally settles and stays in bed long enough for me to read two books to my daughter. We’ve not quite progressed to chapter books yet, but are in that awkward stage that the books are getting longer and longer and they still insist on having two books, but that is for another post lol!

    We’ve read our books, my daughter’s enjoyed drinking her new bedtime favourite, warm milk, and we’re finally able to go brush her teeth and put her to bed.
    It’s quiet when we reach the top of the stairs and open the gate, so I’m hopeful that my little boy has finally drifted off to sleep.

    Fast forward five minutes and we creep in to their bedroom and lo and behold, my son is still wide awake and decides this is the perfect time to get out of bed again. So now I’m trying to usher my daughter to bed whilst simultaneously trying to stop my son from getting out. If there was ever a moment I wish I could split myself in two, this would be it.
    It took me a few minutes, but I was finally able to say good night to them both and leave the room.

    Well, if I thought that was going to be that, I was deeply mistaken. Bearing in mind that on a good night it takes from 6:45pm when I take my son to bed, to around 8-8:30pm to finish settling my daughter in bed. 8pm on a good night. So at 8:10pm when my daughter says to me, distraught, that she hadn’t had a chance to tell me her day(which is our favourite time of the day) I was then torn with what to do. In the end, I figured the longer I say, sorry we can’t do it now, the longer the bedtime would take so I caved and sat down to listen.

    My son eagerly came to join in, so there we sat, each recounting our day, for the next 10-15mins. I must admit, when my little boy, who’s only 2 1/2 years old began telling us little snippets from his day at nursery, my heart started to melt. He had obviously taken in what we were talking about and realised he could have his turn, too.

    Everyone’s day had finally been recounted, the kids were both tucked up in bed again, they would surely go to sleep now, right? Wrong!
    It was now 8:50pm and I had already been back and forth to usher them back to bed. Trying to explain to my little girl that if she just tries hard to go to sleep, that her brother will surely follow suit.

    By this point I’m wound up to the gills and I know it’s really selfish of me, it wasn’t their fault they were having difficulties sleeping, but this was my time. My time to sit down for a minute and not hear mum for the 1000th time. My time to put the television on and watch an episode of something without feeling guilty or having someone require my attention every two minutes. My time to just stop and take a pause from the speeding train that is my life, right now.

    There’s no one else here to help me. No one else to say “It’s ok, you stop for a moment, I’ll go settle them this time.”

    It can be so frustrating. So exhausting. So lonely.

    Reflections

    So how do I reflect on this situation. How do I see this for what it is? How do I not allow this to drag me down?
    The first way would be to look at the situation objectively. My son had a danger nap at nursery and it made bedtime a stressful nightmare. So I would start by reminding myself that this is not a normal occurrence. They don’t normally allow him to nap(I’m still not quite sure how he managed it, but I wouldn’t put it past him to just take himself off with the other kids that nap and join in. He’s so cheeky.)

    So the fact that it’s not a normal everyday occurrence, that is a positive. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been through my fair share of sleepless nights and non-existent evenings. I solely took care of bedtimes and all the feedings, for both of my kids through choosing to breastfeed, because I struggled so much to pump milk.
    They usually sleep reasonably well. Only the odd wake up if they’ve had a bad dream or if they’re poorly. Now that my son is in a toddler bed, I found it easier to just keep the gate off their bedroom door, so they’re free to wander through if they need me. It also ensures my daughter can get to the toilet if needed.

    Step two is to ensure it doesn’t happen again, so I’ve already left a message for the nursery, politely asking that they do not allow him to nap again. They’re usually so good at following the no nap rule, too.

    I have since discovered that he was actually falling asleep at lunch time so their logic was to pop him down for a short nap to avoid him falling asleep, later in the day. I can completely understand their logic, unfortunately, that just then made it harder for me to get him to sleep at a reasonable time.

    Step three I did whilst writing this post. Simply writing it down. Getting the frustrated feelings out of my system. Channelling it in a way to offer a release from the pressure it held on me and then purposefully finding a way to reflect and see a huge stress in another light. That maybe in time, these stresses will slowly diminish their hold on me and that bit by bit, I will feel stronger and more able to cope.

    And maybe, just maybe someone reading this will feel a little stress ease, too.

  • Ogre in Me

    Ogre in Me

    Trigger warning. Major mum guilt and shame!

    Today, I am so thankful that my daughter is a beautiful soul. I, on the other hand, am a fricking ogre!

    Just lately, my daughter and I have been clashing a lot. Since she started school, her behaviour has changed dramatically. She’s naughtier, pushes boundaries more and just generally is cheekier. She’s got her dad’s sense of humour, for sure, so she thinks she’s hilarious!

    Of course, these are all normal things, kids will always test boundaries, but just lately I’m feeling so intensely overwhelmed that I’m finding it hard to see the funny side. So I just end up snapping and getting frustrated.

    My 4 year old daughter was invited to a classmate’s birthday party. When it came to the time to eat, there was a mad dash of children scrambling to the tables to claim a seat and, unfortunately, she did not manage to sit next to her best friend.
    After finally managing to calm her down, I steered her towards a seat next to a boy in her class. The boy began to protest that his friend had been sitting there. I felt really bad, but my daughter had begun to eat so I apologised profusely to the parents for the mistake. Of which they said not to worry about it.

    But when his friend returned, after nipping to the toilet, he was distraught at losing his seat and I felt horrendous. His mum tried to say it was okay and convince her son that he could sit in another seat, but he would not have it. To him it was a really big deal and it was not an option to go sit further around the table.

    There was only one thing to do. I knelt down to my daughter and asked kindly if she would mind moving to the next seat that was free, so that he could have his seat back, as I’d mistakenly sat her in his seat.
    The little star said yes, so we swapped her over to the other seat and he was able, once again, to sit next to his friend. 

    Photo by Ivan Samkov on Pexels.com

    What a beautiful young girl my daughter is becoming. When an opportunity arose to follow through on an act of kindness for her friend, she did so without hesitation. 

    I, on the other hand, I am such an ogre lately, and I don’t know how to snap out of it. I just feel so tense and stretched thin. I’m trying to keep my head above water, but the weight of all the things that are required of me are dragging me under.
    I don’t want to snap at my little girl. I don’t want to feel so overwhelmed all the time. I just want to feel happy again. Whatever that is.

    After a huge bout of anxiety, the doctor has put me on anti-anxiety medication. I really hoped the tablets would help. I mean, to some extent they have. I’m definitely not as bad as I was and it’s possible the dosage just isn’t strong enough. I just worry that the tablets are what’s making me worse. 

    I know what I need to do; I need to contact the doctors and speak about it. I am just so reluctant to go through another round of feeling rubbish from either upping the dosage or changing entirely to something else. 

    I really should be sleeping, not sitting up writing this. I just needed to write for a minute. I needed to focus on the beauty of my little girl today. Her beautiful soul. 

    I did at least, despite my ogreish, snappy behaviour today, manage to tell her how amazing she was to help the boy like that.

    The little gem also illustrated a book today. It was all her idea. I helped her with some spelling, and her dad and I both helped her to sellotape it together when it started to fall apart. The book contained pages of Paw Patrol pups that she had drawn and their names. 

    There was even a moment where she realised that the name Chase was a tricky word because the ‘e’ is silent and the ‘e’ is magic, so it makes the ‘a’ sound like it’s name. Amazing! She’s only 4 years old.

    I need to strive to be better. I will do better. I have to do better.

    Reflections

    At the time of writing this post, I needed an outlet for my shame and guilt about how I have been responding, lately, but sometimes it’s difficult to share how we feel with people we know. Or to even know where to begin to make things better.

    So I think at times like this we have to think about it from somebody else’s perspective. What would your best friend say if you talked to them about this? What would your therapist say?

    I know a good friend of mine would tell me to give myself a break. To take in some perspective. I’m a single mum to two children age 4 years and 2 years. I have a lot going on, it’s understandable that I am stressed, overwhelmed and tired.

    So in these moments, where the shame and guilt weigh heavy on our shoulders, try to take a moment to reflect. No parent is perfect, no parent gets it right all the time. The only thing we can do is to reflect, take accountability for our big emotions(we’re not here to make excuses for ourselves), apologise for them and strive to do better next time. And each time, step by step, the change will happen.

    I heard a great quote recently which said “All change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end.” Unfortunately I can’t remember the person’s name who spoke it as it was contained in one of the many videos I watch when doom scrolling on social media.

    Authors Note

    I don’t really know the exact intentions of this post. I suppose I hope that someone out there, maybe feeling a similar feeling that they’re not doing things right, will take something from this.