Tag: Boundaries

Her father and I split up a year and four months ago. It’s been a difficult emotional roller coaster of a year.
He is really hard working and works long hours, five days a week, so when he has them on his days off, he understandably devotes his time to them.

He is really hard working and works long hours, five days a week, so when he has them on his days off, he understandably devotes his time to them.

He is able to be, in the words of my daughter, “fun daddy”.
I, on the other hand, I’m “mean mummy”; the unfair parent who is always busy and never does anything fun.

I know because she lives with me that she is with me a lot and that makes me, in her eyes, the mean rule setter. So I’m seen as unfair.
It doesn’t help that I need them to have consistent routines to be able to cope with the chaos of trying to raise two little humans.

I know that with my anxiety I am often over sensitive, too cautious and sensible. So I do find myself easily dismissing things that make me anxious. Saying no more often. Telling them off for things that maybe don’t warrant admonishment.

I have also been where she is, in the same situation, living with her mum after a relationship break up and I wanted to be with my dad, too. Although I was a little older, like her, I still didn’t understand what had happened and why we didn’t live together, anymore.

My mum, like me, was no doubt highly overwhelmed and stressed on a daily basis but as children we can’t see that. We can’t comprehend what our parents are having to cope with.

I do think in some ways my daughter is probably lashing out because she feels more of a connection with her dad. He is able to devote more attention to them, when they are with him, whereas I’m constantly playing catch up trying to keep on top of everyday life.

I hate hearing myself say “Hang on, I’m just trying to get this job finished,” or “I’m just in the middle of something, please give me a minute.”
There’s always jobs to do. I feel like I’m drowning in stuff that requires my attention and as fast as I think I’m catching up, there’s more to do. Or things I’ve forgotten to do.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed so easily lately and being so overwhelmed is making me irritable and snappy. I hate it. I just want to feel calmer. I want to be more present for my kids, not constantly feeling like I’m putting out fires just trying to survive the days and not giving them enough attention.

We’re already into the beginning of June and I don’t even know where the last five months have gone. It honestly feels like it turned 2025 a few days ago.

Reflections

This is currently an ongoing situation, so I don’t have answers as to how we dealt with this, but one thing I do want to do is try to look at the situation with more compassion.

It’s difficult when you’re in the thick of a strong emotion to think rationally. I’ve been feeling very low and hurt by some of the things she has said to me lately and it’s resulted in me being quite snappy, which, of course is only exacerbating the situation. It’s not how I want to be.

Her dad was good and stepped in to talk to her and explain that what she was saying was making me feel really sad. I could see the emotion building inside her and she came over to apologise and give me a hug.

Later that night after settling her in bed, she came back out of her room and said she wanted to say something. Which she followed with “You are a fun mum.” I gave her such a big hug.

I mean, I’m not. Well, not at this moment in time, I’m not. But it was good of her to say it, as it was her way of being kind. It shows she’s really been thinking about what we’ve said to her.

In some ways this could just simply be a boundary that she is pushing. It has brought about a natural lesson on how we should treat other people. Even if there is something deep down that is bothering her, she does need to learn that to feel something is normal, but it’s not okay to be hurtful to others because of that.

It’s possible that with how busy I am all the time, that my daughter is craving connection with me. I definitely need to look at more ways that I can create some quality time with her.

It feels so difficult now that she has started school, the only times we really get to do things alone is when her brother goes to nursery in the school holidays. Otherwise, it’s always the three of us and unfortunately our support network is very limited, so it’s not really an option to ask for help with the matter.

Finally, I definitely need to work on when I should and shouldn’t tell her off. I need to work on not letting my anxiety rule others. Nor how I act with them. It’s not okay even if I am feeling anxious or stressed to take it out on them.

All we can do as parents is try our best. We aren’t going to get it right, all the time, but reflecting and striving to be better is a good thing. Even if it’s just a small step, each day or week or month. So long as we keep trying to be better, to do better, one day it’ll work out.