The Ruminating Mum

Tag: Anxiety

  • Crippling Overwhelm

    Crippling Overwhelm

    Photo by Tara Winstead on Pexels.com

    I can’t cope today. I feel my shoulders and neck tensing up like I have the weight of a thousand responsibilities. The jobs never end. I know that, and yet I still let the never-ending to-do list get on top of me.

    It’s Saturday; I’ve just had two days of the kids being at school and nursery. I’ve got “all day” to get things done. The thing is, I did a lot. I had a sudden surge of motivation, and I spent two days listing my daughter’s old clothes for sale.

    But I still have jobs to do on Saturday. Always. Something as simple as my daughter has P.E. on a Friday, so I can’t wash the dark clothes until Saturday. My little boy has been at nursery, so I can’t wash the coloured laundry either. Yes, I could buy more clothes, but that feels more wasteful, not to mention it requires spending more money.

    I think the thing that gets me is that after a week of work, school, and nursery runs, when Saturday comes around, I just want to plod through the day. I haven’t got the energy for expectations. I’m spent. So, to not feel overwhelmed on a Saturday feels like an impossibility.

    It’s also my last day off before the work week begins again. I need to relax, but Saturdays are far from relaxing. I just feel so tense.
    Anything my kids do to push the boundaries makes me explode.

    I hear “You should be taking them out of the house,” “you should be spending time with them,” “you should be enjoying the time when they’re not in school and nursery.”

    I know… I know… I know. It breaks me. I hear those words and countless more, what feels like a million times, spiralling around my head. People just don’t realise the mental weight that a few simple words can have on a person with overwhelm.

    This morning, I woke up exhausted. My brain woke when my alarm would usually go off on a school day, and I was desperate for a lie-in, but I couldn’t fall back asleep, despite the fact that my two children were still fast asleep. It figures!

    So up I got and made porridge for us all. When we had all eaten, I was about to go in the shower when I realised the washer had finished, so I loaded the dryer, thankful it was a rainy day and I could be “lazy” today. The kids then played in their bedroom while I took a shower.

    A nice, relaxing shower, how wonderful you say… no, if only. The bath and shower needed cleaning, so I had a quick shower and then spent the next twenty minutes cleaning them. I got out, and seeing as though I was already in motion, I figured I might as well clean the sink and toilet, too.

    A moment later, my daughter appears out of her bedroom to declare that I have been far too long and she is absolutely starving; her words.

    Downstairs again, I prepare two bowls of fruit: strawberries for my son and strawberries, blueberries, and grapes for my daughter.

    I turn around and there is the mountain of breakfast dishes staring back at me, silently judging. The drainer is, of course, still full. I clear the dishes, during which my daughter declares she is starving again… *insert eye roll and sigh.*

    The day continues on like this and for some daft reason I somehow feel I have the capability to also cook a roast chicken dinner.

    I will never learn.

    Reflections

    I realise something when reading back this post. I did too much of one thing on Thursday and Friday. Instead of just doing a little bit and taking a moment to relax, I burned out.

    Although I do have to add that I still feel like this when I’ve spent my two days off concentrating on day-to-day chores.

    I find it so hard not to go all out on a task. I struggle with the thought of a task dragging on for days, weeks, or longer.

    Also, I know that listing as many similar clothes at the same time creates more of a chance to sell multiple items in bundles.

    I think the main thing I have to take from this is I need to not go all out. I have to find a way not to reach burnout.

    I keep being told I need to schedule some time for myself to relax. Having ADHD, I struggle to keep up with a diary or schedule, so this is something with which I struggle.

    One thing I did notice recently that helped me was using Google Calendar and Tasks to schedule appointment times as it notifies me on my phone and watch. I think trying that would be a good idea; now I just need to find a way to remind myself to actually remember to schedule the tasks/time in the first place.

    On a good note, I sold one box full of the two that I listed, so that feels good. I also made the decision to donate some of the clothes that I had left to list for sale.

    It’s hard when you have things to get rid of, be they old clothes or long-forgotten toys, to part with them without feeling the need to try to sell them first; like somehow you are missing out, despite the fact that you know they have had their money’s worth.

    I am almost tempted to go through my son’s old clothes and just pick out a smaller selection to sell and donate the rest. It would be a good exercise in self-care, and although it’s nice to sell them to have money to buy new clothes, it’s not the be-all and end-all. It’s a good thing to help out a charity. It’s also good for my mental sanity to release myself of the burden and have one less weight to carry on my shoulders.

    So I think a really good takeaway from this is how we can release ourselves from even just one small burden or unnecessary obligation that we have imposed on ourselves. Can we donate some clothes instead of selling them? Can we offer some old toys to a local nursery or leave them out on a nice day with a sign saying “free to a good home”?

    Of course, if you really do need to sell them in order to buy new clothes and that is a necessity, not a choice, that is completely understandable. In that situation, just take the time to slowly chip away at it, rather than going all in like I did and burning out.

    Be kind to yourself. Always.

  • Embracing Uncertainty: My Bin Mishap

    Photo by Haberdoedas Photography on Pexels.com

    “How dignified chasing the refuse collectors, begging to have my bin emptied because I forgot to put it out the night before.”

    The day begins as my alarm goes off. With every alert on my smart watch, I turn it off and drift back to sleep, until finally the threat of sleeping in for work is upon me.

    As I lay in bed trying to keep my eyes open long enough, propping invisible match sticks to force them open, I hear an all too familiar sound.

    The bins were being emptied and I had forgotten to put my bin out… in the peak of a summer heatwave!

    As I heard the refuse collectors, emptying the bins and driving further down the street, I felt defeated.
    With the temperatures soaring, the last thing you want is a bin full of rubbish for two weeks.

    I looked out of my window, half expecting for them to be long gone, to see they weren’t actually as far away as I thought. They were in fact just reversing down the nearest side street.

    With that a new wave of emotion enveloped me: determination.
    I ran around the room like a headless chicken, trying to find a suitable outfit to throw on.

    I ran out of the back door, dragged my bin to the front of the house and waited for the refuse truck to resurface from the side street.

    Just to add to my mortification, my neighbour who lives opposite came out on his bike and said hello as he rode past. Who knows what he was thinking as I loitered at the end of my drive holding my bin handle.

    As the truck pulled out of the side street I quickly began dragging the bin towards the guy walking beside it, waving at him like a mad woman.

    I have to say he was very polite about it and promptly emptied my bin without complaint. I apologised profusely for forgetting to bring it out on time and thanked him for his kindness.

    But how dignified chasing the refuse collectors, begging to have my bin emptied because I forgot to put it out the night before.

    That is my life. Forgetful, embarrassing, apologetic.

    Reflections

    Today, though, as I walked my now empty bin back through the side gate, I began to laugh.

    A year ago there is no way I would have actually taken my bin out and asked them to empty it. I would have sat stewing, pacing the house, kicking myself for not going out with it, or for not putting it out on time.

    A year ago there’s no way I would leave the house having just chucked some clothes on, fresh out of bed with no hairspray on my hair!

    Today I thought, what the hell, who cares what I look like and what’s the worst that can happen: he says no, he’s really rude about it or he’s nice about it.

    Thankfully he was the latter of the three and it just goes to show you can’t judge a situation before it’s happened.

    I have been working on facing uncertainty and today I embraced it.

  • Overcoming Party Anxiety: A Mother’s Reflection

    Overcoming Party Anxiety: A Mother’s Reflection

    Photo by Rick Lage on Pexels.com

    Parties have never been my thing. I think when it comes to big group gatherings, I find it so hard to know where I should be or which conversation I should join in with that I just end up on the sidelines, observing.

    Today was different. Today I made it through my daughter’s birthday party, where she was able to invite her first school friends. Don’t get me wrong; I still found it incredibly difficult, but I am proud that I was able to show up for my daughter and saw a glimmer of the mum I want to be.

    Up to now, we’ve only had a few family get-togethers, which my daughter thoroughly enjoyed. It was easier for me to manage my anxiety because I was surrounded by loved ones. It felt less unpredictable, meaning I was able to engage and enjoy the day without being consumed by the anxiety and nervousness that I would feel at a larger gathering.

    I know I can easily build things up in my head and blow things out of proportion. Just the sheer thought of having to entertain parents and children that I don’t really know puts me into a state of panic.

    Yet today, I did it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I felt slightly awkward at times, but the conversations for the most part flowed naturally. I didn’t feel like I needed to force anything.

    When I felt a mum might be feeling a little left out, as she didn’t know anyone else, I went out of my way to talk to her. I dealt with another child needing a change of clothes. I tried my best to speak up when I needed to.

    Now I’m not saying I’m cured and that I can now cope with throwing a full class party for thirty children, but I have proven to myself today that I am more capable than I believed possible.

    Today I feel proud of myself!

    Reflections

    I think the thing I will take from this the most is that I can easily overplay things in my head, to the point that they become something that will most likely not even happen.

    It comes from a real depth of uncertainty: not knowing what will happen, how people will perceive me, and how I will cope with it all.

    I know I shouldn’t care what people think of me, but I think that comes from a deep feeling of not feeling accepted. I still don’t know where I fit into the world, so I always feel like people won’t like me. I also have a bad habit of saying something daft that I didn’t want to say and instantly regretting it, awkwardly tripping over something, or being just generally clumsy.

    In times like these, we just have to remember that a little uncertainty is okay. It’s impossible to know everything or every outcome. But by facing these uncertain moments, we will prove to ourselves that it’s okay and we can get through things, no matter how much our anxiety tries to tell us otherwise.

    One of my favourite mantras at the moment is: Avoidance is not the answer. Whenever I’m feeling like my mind is spiralling, I remind myself that avoidance will feed the anxiety; avoidance lets the anxiety win.

  • Words Cut Deep

    Words Cut Deep

    I wanted to run away today and it hurts to admit that.

    I know that my four year old loves me, but when she tells me she doesn’t want to be with me, she wants to be with her daddy, instead; her words cut deep.


    Photo by Dương Nhân on Pexels.com

    Her father and I split up a year and four months ago. It’s been a difficult emotional roller coaster of a year.
    He is really hard working and works long hours, five days a week, so when he has them on his days off, he understandably devotes his time to them.

    He is really hard working and works long hours, five days a week, so when he has them on his days off, he understandably devotes his time to them.

    He is able to be, in the words of my daughter, “fun daddy”.
    I, on the other hand, I’m “mean mummy”; the unfair parent who is always busy and never does anything fun.

    I know because she lives with me that she is with me a lot and that makes me, in her eyes, the mean rule setter. So I’m seen as unfair.
    It doesn’t help that I need them to have consistent routines to be able to cope with the chaos of trying to raise two little humans.

    I know that with my anxiety I am often over sensitive, too cautious and sensible. So I do find myself easily dismissing things that make me anxious. Saying no more often. Telling them off for things that maybe don’t warrant admonishment.

    I have also been where she is, in the same situation, living with her mum after a relationship break up and I wanted to be with my dad, too. Although I was a little older, like her, I still didn’t understand what had happened and why we didn’t live together, anymore.

    My mum, like me, was no doubt highly overwhelmed and stressed on a daily basis but as children we can’t see that. We can’t comprehend what our parents are having to cope with.

    I do think in some ways my daughter is probably lashing out because she feels more of a connection with her dad. He is able to devote more attention to them, when they are with him, whereas I’m constantly playing catch up trying to keep on top of everyday life.

    I hate hearing myself say “Hang on, I’m just trying to get this job finished,” or “I’m just in the middle of something, please give me a minute.”
    There’s always jobs to do. I feel like I’m drowning in stuff that requires my attention and as fast as I think I’m catching up, there’s more to do. Or things I’ve forgotten to do.

    I’ve been feeling overwhelmed so easily lately and being so overwhelmed is making me irritable and snappy. I hate it. I just want to feel calmer. I want to be more present for my kids, not constantly feeling like I’m putting out fires just trying to survive the days and not giving them enough attention.

    We’re already into the beginning of June and I don’t even know where the last five months have gone. It honestly feels like it turned 2025 a few days ago.

    Reflections

    This is currently an ongoing situation, so I don’t have answers as to how we dealt with this, but one thing I do want to do is try to look at the situation with more compassion.

    It’s difficult when you’re in the thick of a strong emotion to think rationally. I’ve been feeling very low and hurt by some of the things she has said to me lately and it’s resulted in me being quite snappy, which, of course is only exacerbating the situation. It’s not how I want to be.

    Her dad was good and stepped in to talk to her and explain that what she was saying was making me feel really sad. I could see the emotion building inside her and she came over to apologise and give me a hug.

    Later that night after settling her in bed, she came back out of her room and said she wanted to say something. Which she followed with “You are a fun mum.” I gave her such a big hug.

    I mean, I’m not. Well, not at this moment in time, I’m not. But it was good of her to say it, as it was her way of being kind. It shows she’s really been thinking about what we’ve said to her.

    In some ways this could just simply be a boundary that she is pushing. It has brought about a natural lesson on how we should treat other people. Even if there is something deep down that is bothering her, she does need to learn that to feel something is normal, but it’s not okay to be hurtful to others because of that.

    It’s possible that with how busy I am all the time, that my daughter is craving connection with me. I definitely need to look at more ways that I can create some quality time with her.

    It feels so difficult now that she has started school, the only times we really get to do things alone is when her brother goes to nursery in the school holidays. Otherwise, it’s always the three of us and unfortunately our support network is very limited, so it’s not really an option to ask for help with the matter.

    Finally, I definitely need to work on when I should and shouldn’t tell her off. I need to work on not letting my anxiety rule others. Nor how I act with them. It’s not okay even if I am feeling anxious or stressed to take it out on them.

    All we can do as parents is try our best. We aren’t going to get it right, all the time, but reflecting and striving to be better is a good thing. Even if it’s just a small step, each day or week or month. So long as we keep trying to be better, to do better, one day it’ll work out.