The Ruminating Mum

Category: Parenting

  • Crippling Overwhelm

    Crippling Overwhelm

    Photo by Tara Winstead on Pexels.com

    I can’t cope today. I feel my shoulders and neck tensing up like I have the weight of a thousand responsibilities. The jobs never end. I know that, and yet I still let the never-ending to-do list get on top of me.

    It’s Saturday; I’ve just had two days of the kids being at school and nursery. I’ve got “all day” to get things done. The thing is, I did a lot. I had a sudden surge of motivation, and I spent two days listing my daughter’s old clothes for sale.

    But I still have jobs to do on Saturday. Always. Something as simple as my daughter has P.E. on a Friday, so I can’t wash the dark clothes until Saturday. My little boy has been at nursery, so I can’t wash the coloured laundry either. Yes, I could buy more clothes, but that feels more wasteful, not to mention it requires spending more money.

    I think the thing that gets me is that after a week of work, school, and nursery runs, when Saturday comes around, I just want to plod through the day. I haven’t got the energy for expectations. I’m spent. So, to not feel overwhelmed on a Saturday feels like an impossibility.

    It’s also my last day off before the work week begins again. I need to relax, but Saturdays are far from relaxing. I just feel so tense.
    Anything my kids do to push the boundaries makes me explode.

    I hear “You should be taking them out of the house,” “you should be spending time with them,” “you should be enjoying the time when they’re not in school and nursery.”

    I know… I know… I know. It breaks me. I hear those words and countless more, what feels like a million times, spiralling around my head. People just don’t realise the mental weight that a few simple words can have on a person with overwhelm.

    This morning, I woke up exhausted. My brain woke when my alarm would usually go off on a school day, and I was desperate for a lie-in, but I couldn’t fall back asleep, despite the fact that my two children were still fast asleep. It figures!

    So up I got and made porridge for us all. When we had all eaten, I was about to go in the shower when I realised the washer had finished, so I loaded the dryer, thankful it was a rainy day and I could be “lazy” today. The kids then played in their bedroom while I took a shower.

    A nice, relaxing shower, how wonderful you say… no, if only. The bath and shower needed cleaning, so I had a quick shower and then spent the next twenty minutes cleaning them. I got out, and seeing as though I was already in motion, I figured I might as well clean the sink and toilet, too.

    A moment later, my daughter appears out of her bedroom to declare that I have been far too long and she is absolutely starving; her words.

    Downstairs again, I prepare two bowls of fruit: strawberries for my son and strawberries, blueberries, and grapes for my daughter.

    I turn around and there is the mountain of breakfast dishes staring back at me, silently judging. The drainer is, of course, still full. I clear the dishes, during which my daughter declares she is starving again… *insert eye roll and sigh.*

    The day continues on like this and for some daft reason I somehow feel I have the capability to also cook a roast chicken dinner.

    I will never learn.

    Reflections

    I realise something when reading back this post. I did too much of one thing on Thursday and Friday. Instead of just doing a little bit and taking a moment to relax, I burned out.

    Although I do have to add that I still feel like this when I’ve spent my two days off concentrating on day-to-day chores.

    I find it so hard not to go all out on a task. I struggle with the thought of a task dragging on for days, weeks, or longer.

    Also, I know that listing as many similar clothes at the same time creates more of a chance to sell multiple items in bundles.

    I think the main thing I have to take from this is I need to not go all out. I have to find a way not to reach burnout.

    I keep being told I need to schedule some time for myself to relax. Having ADHD, I struggle to keep up with a diary or schedule, so this is something with which I struggle.

    One thing I did notice recently that helped me was using Google Calendar and Tasks to schedule appointment times as it notifies me on my phone and watch. I think trying that would be a good idea; now I just need to find a way to remind myself to actually remember to schedule the tasks/time in the first place.

    On a good note, I sold one box full of the two that I listed, so that feels good. I also made the decision to donate some of the clothes that I had left to list for sale.

    It’s hard when you have things to get rid of, be they old clothes or long-forgotten toys, to part with them without feeling the need to try to sell them first; like somehow you are missing out, despite the fact that you know they have had their money’s worth.

    I am almost tempted to go through my son’s old clothes and just pick out a smaller selection to sell and donate the rest. It would be a good exercise in self-care, and although it’s nice to sell them to have money to buy new clothes, it’s not the be-all and end-all. It’s a good thing to help out a charity. It’s also good for my mental sanity to release myself of the burden and have one less weight to carry on my shoulders.

    So I think a really good takeaway from this is how we can release ourselves from even just one small burden or unnecessary obligation that we have imposed on ourselves. Can we donate some clothes instead of selling them? Can we offer some old toys to a local nursery or leave them out on a nice day with a sign saying “free to a good home”?

    Of course, if you really do need to sell them in order to buy new clothes and that is a necessity, not a choice, that is completely understandable. In that situation, just take the time to slowly chip away at it, rather than going all in like I did and burning out.

    Be kind to yourself. Always.

  • Overcoming Party Anxiety: A Mother’s Reflection

    Overcoming Party Anxiety: A Mother’s Reflection

    Photo by Rick Lage on Pexels.com

    Parties have never been my thing. I think when it comes to big group gatherings, I find it so hard to know where I should be or which conversation I should join in with that I just end up on the sidelines, observing.

    Today was different. Today I made it through my daughter’s birthday party, where she was able to invite her first school friends. Don’t get me wrong; I still found it incredibly difficult, but I am proud that I was able to show up for my daughter and saw a glimmer of the mum I want to be.

    Up to now, we’ve only had a few family get-togethers, which my daughter thoroughly enjoyed. It was easier for me to manage my anxiety because I was surrounded by loved ones. It felt less unpredictable, meaning I was able to engage and enjoy the day without being consumed by the anxiety and nervousness that I would feel at a larger gathering.

    I know I can easily build things up in my head and blow things out of proportion. Just the sheer thought of having to entertain parents and children that I don’t really know puts me into a state of panic.

    Yet today, I did it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I felt slightly awkward at times, but the conversations for the most part flowed naturally. I didn’t feel like I needed to force anything.

    When I felt a mum might be feeling a little left out, as she didn’t know anyone else, I went out of my way to talk to her. I dealt with another child needing a change of clothes. I tried my best to speak up when I needed to.

    Now I’m not saying I’m cured and that I can now cope with throwing a full class party for thirty children, but I have proven to myself today that I am more capable than I believed possible.

    Today I feel proud of myself!

    Reflections

    I think the thing I will take from this the most is that I can easily overplay things in my head, to the point that they become something that will most likely not even happen.

    It comes from a real depth of uncertainty: not knowing what will happen, how people will perceive me, and how I will cope with it all.

    I know I shouldn’t care what people think of me, but I think that comes from a deep feeling of not feeling accepted. I still don’t know where I fit into the world, so I always feel like people won’t like me. I also have a bad habit of saying something daft that I didn’t want to say and instantly regretting it, awkwardly tripping over something, or being just generally clumsy.

    In times like these, we just have to remember that a little uncertainty is okay. It’s impossible to know everything or every outcome. But by facing these uncertain moments, we will prove to ourselves that it’s okay and we can get through things, no matter how much our anxiety tries to tell us otherwise.

    One of my favourite mantras at the moment is: Avoidance is not the answer. Whenever I’m feeling like my mind is spiralling, I remind myself that avoidance will feed the anxiety; avoidance lets the anxiety win.

  • Churning Christmas in a June Heatwave!

    Churning Christmas in a June Heatwave!

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    We were literally entering a heatwave at the weekend, here in the UK, and on Friday I received an email to book a Christmas event. Christmas…! I’m sat here melting, trying to keep two small children from dehydrating, and companies want me to think six months down the line about Christmas!

    No! I’m currently trying to survive, now, thank you very much! If you also hate consumerism, you’ve come to the right place!

    I wish I could say I love Christmas, that it’s a great time for family and, don’t get me wrong, I do love spending it with my kids, but Christmas is a lonely time for me.

    Christmas is a time of complication. A time of sadness. A time of epic messed-up family dynamics.

    I don’t want to be the one who ruins everyone else’s fun because it’s a time of year that I struggle with the most.

    So when I receive emails in June about the dreaded “C” word, another word comes to mind!

    It’s bad enough that, working in retail, I’m constantly surrounded by the unavoidable festivities from September onward, let alone thinking that in order to create the perfect Christmas, I have to book an outlandishly expensive day out in June!

    I think this is probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to contend with as a parent: that you have to be able to embrace the holidays, embrace the controlling consumerism that is the embodiment of modern-day societal expectations.
    Like if you don’t go all out and lavishly throw money at Santa Claus, then you aren’t providing your children with the perfect memories.

    Last year alone, just a measly chocolate a day from an advent calendar sent my four-year-old into a treat frenzy for months. She wanted more, more, more, and she was going to tantrum until she got it. Well, she tried, anyway.

    Then just when you think you’ve got life back to normal again, they throw a chocolate-wielding bunny into the mix in April, and we’re back to square one, trying to rein in the treat frenzy once again.

    My daughter is very perceptive for her age. She once said to me that she loves nice things because when she particularly likes the taste of something, she just wants to keep on tasting it.

    Oh, but you’ve got to keep your kids healthy! You let them overindulge in treats—perish the thought! Yet they still keep shoving the holidays down our throats until we regurgitate their nonsense, all in aid of lining their pockets!

    Gotta keep the rich rich and the poor poor!

    Reflections

    Okay, so as you can tell, the holidays hit a nerve with me. If you made it this far through my rant, thank you.

    So I know for sure one of the first things my friend would say would be to chill out; why let yourself get so worked up about something that is so far away?

    I think the hardest thing for me is that my immediate family (not including my children) is strained. It’s not possible to get everyone together, so no one gets together.

    I mean, I’m in no way a party person, and large gatherings have always been an anxiety no-no for me, but somewhere deep down, I just wish my family life were simpler.

    As much as I am usually filled with anxiety in the lead-up to Christmas, I do try my best to enjoy the day for my children so that they enjoy it.

    With regard to the companies sending out the emails so early, I guess there are lots of reasons why. Maybe they need to plan for such things; they need to think about how many people they need to hire and what resources they’ll require, especially when the event, for example, is a 2-month-long affair. But surely they can get this information from previous sales forecasts.

    I appreciate that some parents might love the fact that they can get part of the festive cost out of the way early. Some people probably even love anything Christmas, no matter the time of year, and that’s fine, too.

    I just wish the companies wouldn’t put so much pressure on parents, and I know that, in a way, I am also putting pressure on myself, but it’s hard not to feel like you have to get swept up in it all. Like you’re somehow failing as a parent if you don’t provide all the magical experiences for your kids that everyone else is having.

    Of course, I want my children to experience the same as everyone else and enjoy the magic, but we’re talking a ridiculous amount of money that parents feel pressured to spend just to celebrate one day.

    One day that has barely anything to do with its religious origins anymore, and is more about how much these companies can capitalize on it for their own corporate greed.

    I realise that my reflections today are still mostly rants, but sometimes I think just allowing yourself to get something out of your system is also a really good cathartic release.

  • Finding Time for Fitness

    Finding Time for Fitness

    Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

    From the minute we wake up, we are bombarded with a constant reminder that we need to be fitter, we need to live healthier, and we need to be better. But how do you achieve this when you feel like you’re just surviving from day to day? When you’re simply trying to keep your head above water in the sea of requirements placed upon you.

    As a parent of young children, life is understandably busy from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. Finding time to fit in even just a little bit of fitness is often a weight on my mind.

    On top of parenting, I, unfortunately, suffer from anxiety, which leads to frequent mood swings and low moods. Fitness really is a necessity more than a want, but I find it difficult to muster the mental motivation.

    Fitness is a great mood regulator; there is no doubt about it. It releases endorphins, so for me, it is probably one of the most important things that I need to embrace. Not only will it make me healthier and more able to physically keep up with my children, it will improve my mental wellbeing, too, which will help me mentally deal with the day-to-day pressures of being a parent.

    Having young children does make it harder; the day is busier, but ultimately I know I have to make the time, not make excuses.

    Reflections

    So how do I make time? I’ve always found this concept hilarious; like you can just pluck an extra hour out of thin air and, voilà, you now have the time to work out!

    Well, here’s the thing: fitness does not need to be difficult to be effective.
    We don’t need to be suddenly burning our way through a 45-minute cardio workout. We don’t need to be working out five times a week.

    Obviously, working out more will give greater results. That is a no-brainer. But if you’re anything like me, you think too far ahead; you put unnecessary pressure on yourself that in order to be healthier, fitter, and mentally stronger, you have to give it your all or nothing.

    We don’t!

    If we put that pressure on ourselves that we’re not achieving because we’re not hitting the gym several times a week or walking 3 hours a day, then most likely, we will fail.

    We may start that way, and maybe we last a week or two, giving it our all, but we will soon realise that it is not sustainable in the long term.

    So how do we make time and increase fitness in our lives effectively?

    With small intentions.

    Simply starting with small intentions is key. It’s key to building strong, healthy habits; it’s key to reducing the overwhelm that leads to us giving up.

    Simple things like getting up and walking when you’ve been sitting for a long time.

    Been sitting for half an hour? Take 5 minutes to walk up and down the stairs in your house. Stand up and walk/march on the spot.
    Get your blood pumping, get those endorphins flowing.

    For me, personally, I’ve got small children, and I would love to incorporate more time for fitness when they’re actually around. I want to be able to set a good example early in life for them that I didn’t have growing up.

    My biggest wall that I know I put up is that I feel self-conscious. I hate being watched while doing anything, so working out in front of my children is anxiety-inducing.

    The sad thing is, I know the more I actually do it, the easier it will become. So this is something I need to work on for myself and for them.

    I need to set small, good intentions. I need to try to let go of the hang-up that I can’t let anybody see me do things, especially when it comes to fitness.

    So when you feel like incorporating fitness into your life is unmanageable and you simply don’t have the time…

    Try just 5 minutes.

    Set a timer and go for it. Because when you start to feel the benefits: the increased mood, the increased energy levels, the willingness to motivate yourself, that’s when bit by bit, step by step, you will find yourself capable of doing more.

    Author’s Note.

    I am not a medical professional. Always work within your physical capabilities. If you’re unsure what fitness activities you can incorporate into your life, especially if you have underlying health conditions, speak to your doctor or medical professional.

    I speak from experience that I have, many times, gotten carried away, gone hell for leather on a 45-minute workout only to realise a few days later that I’ve caused myself an injury, and why? Because I dove into the deep end before I learned to tread water.

    Starting small and working your way up will make you stronger in a healthier, progressive way. Listen to your body, and if you’re unsure, consult a medical professional.

  • A Worry Shared is a Worry Halved

    A Worry Shared is a Worry Halved

    Today my daughter did something brilliant. She shared a worry with me and I feel so grateful that she felt that was able to share something so important to her.

    Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko on Pexels.com

    When it was time for her to go to bed and I thought she was settled for sleep, I returned downstairs, but within minutes she was back at the gate, at the top of the stairs, calling for me.

    When I got to the bottom of the stairs, she looked sad and said “Mummy, I’ve got something bad I’m thinking about and I can’t stop thinking about it.”

    Of course, I immediately went up the stairs, took her back to her bedroom and sat with her whilst she told me what was on her mind.

    “It’s important to tell your grown ups if you have a worry, isn’t it?” she asks.

    “Of course it is,” I say. “A worry shared is a worry halved. You can always talk to me about anything.”

    She paused for a moment and then told me “When we went out riding the other day and my conker fell in the road, I nearly fell into the road. Next time I’m with Daddy on my bike, I’ll stay with him. Because I was going too fast.”

    To shed a bit more light on the topic, their dad had come round to our house. He decided to take our son and daughter out for a mini bike ride, during which time I stayed at home to get some jobs done.

    Whilst they were out our daughter, now quite confident on her bike decided to speed off, leaving her dad and little brother behind.

    Our son is only two years old and although he is very good on his balance bike, he of course, needs our full supervision.

    At this point I receive a call from their dad asking me to come out quick because he was stuck with our son and our daughter had bolted. He was very worried.

    When I came out of the house, she was at the end of the road, crying stood staring at something in the road and I think she was about to go retrieve it but he got to her in time, before I could get there.

    As I approached them she was in tears, screaming her head off. Whilst they were out, she’d found a conker and because she was going too fast, when she stopped at the edge of the road, she must have dropped it and a car had driven over it.

    She was very lucky that it wasn’t her that was driven over! Although, from what I could gather, I don’t think there was a car there, about to turn in, when she approached the road, so that is also lucky.

    It’s times like these where being a parent feels like the scariest thing in the world. Our little humans are so unpredictable and our two are particularly headstrong. When they get an idea it’s a split second decision and they’re off.

    Their dad was understandably very worried about it all. He hadn’t done anything wrong, it’s just one of those things. Our daughter chose a horrible moment to test a boundary but luckily the strength of her brakes prevailed and it all ended okay.

    Well… except for the conker. (Honestly, sometimes if you don’t laugh at something, you’ll cry.)

    Since this happened, it is clear that our daughter has been mulling it over in her mind. She thought about it and processed what we said to her about not speeding off too far and realised she shouldn’t do that because it’s not safe.

    I feel so proud and grateful that she felt she could share this worry with me.

    We often speak about how if there’s anything bothering her that she should share it with us and today she heeded that advice and shared with me.

    It just shows that when we think they’re not listening and nothing we say or do matters; it really does. So to anybody that needs to hear it; keep going. You got this.

  • Words Cut Deep

    Words Cut Deep

    I wanted to run away today and it hurts to admit that.

    I know that my four year old loves me, but when she tells me she doesn’t want to be with me, she wants to be with her daddy, instead; her words cut deep.


    Photo by Dương Nhân on Pexels.com

    Her father and I split up a year and four months ago. It’s been a difficult emotional roller coaster of a year.
    He is really hard working and works long hours, five days a week, so when he has them on his days off, he understandably devotes his time to them.

    He is really hard working and works long hours, five days a week, so when he has them on his days off, he understandably devotes his time to them.

    He is able to be, in the words of my daughter, “fun daddy”.
    I, on the other hand, I’m “mean mummy”; the unfair parent who is always busy and never does anything fun.

    I know because she lives with me that she is with me a lot and that makes me, in her eyes, the mean rule setter. So I’m seen as unfair.
    It doesn’t help that I need them to have consistent routines to be able to cope with the chaos of trying to raise two little humans.

    I know that with my anxiety I am often over sensitive, too cautious and sensible. So I do find myself easily dismissing things that make me anxious. Saying no more often. Telling them off for things that maybe don’t warrant admonishment.

    I have also been where she is, in the same situation, living with her mum after a relationship break up and I wanted to be with my dad, too. Although I was a little older, like her, I still didn’t understand what had happened and why we didn’t live together, anymore.

    My mum, like me, was no doubt highly overwhelmed and stressed on a daily basis but as children we can’t see that. We can’t comprehend what our parents are having to cope with.

    I do think in some ways my daughter is probably lashing out because she feels more of a connection with her dad. He is able to devote more attention to them, when they are with him, whereas I’m constantly playing catch up trying to keep on top of everyday life.

    I hate hearing myself say “Hang on, I’m just trying to get this job finished,” or “I’m just in the middle of something, please give me a minute.”
    There’s always jobs to do. I feel like I’m drowning in stuff that requires my attention and as fast as I think I’m catching up, there’s more to do. Or things I’ve forgotten to do.

    I’ve been feeling overwhelmed so easily lately and being so overwhelmed is making me irritable and snappy. I hate it. I just want to feel calmer. I want to be more present for my kids, not constantly feeling like I’m putting out fires just trying to survive the days and not giving them enough attention.

    We’re already into the beginning of June and I don’t even know where the last five months have gone. It honestly feels like it turned 2025 a few days ago.

    Reflections

    This is currently an ongoing situation, so I don’t have answers as to how we dealt with this, but one thing I do want to do is try to look at the situation with more compassion.

    It’s difficult when you’re in the thick of a strong emotion to think rationally. I’ve been feeling very low and hurt by some of the things she has said to me lately and it’s resulted in me being quite snappy, which, of course is only exacerbating the situation. It’s not how I want to be.

    Her dad was good and stepped in to talk to her and explain that what she was saying was making me feel really sad. I could see the emotion building inside her and she came over to apologise and give me a hug.

    Later that night after settling her in bed, she came back out of her room and said she wanted to say something. Which she followed with “You are a fun mum.” I gave her such a big hug.

    I mean, I’m not. Well, not at this moment in time, I’m not. But it was good of her to say it, as it was her way of being kind. It shows she’s really been thinking about what we’ve said to her.

    In some ways this could just simply be a boundary that she is pushing. It has brought about a natural lesson on how we should treat other people. Even if there is something deep down that is bothering her, she does need to learn that to feel something is normal, but it’s not okay to be hurtful to others because of that.

    It’s possible that with how busy I am all the time, that my daughter is craving connection with me. I definitely need to look at more ways that I can create some quality time with her.

    It feels so difficult now that she has started school, the only times we really get to do things alone is when her brother goes to nursery in the school holidays. Otherwise, it’s always the three of us and unfortunately our support network is very limited, so it’s not really an option to ask for help with the matter.

    Finally, I definitely need to work on when I should and shouldn’t tell her off. I need to work on not letting my anxiety rule others. Nor how I act with them. It’s not okay even if I am feeling anxious or stressed to take it out on them.

    All we can do as parents is try our best. We aren’t going to get it right, all the time, but reflecting and striving to be better is a good thing. Even if it’s just a small step, each day or week or month. So long as we keep trying to be better, to do better, one day it’ll work out.

  • The Danger Nap!

    The Danger Nap!

    Photo by Gianni Orefice on Pexels.com

    How can 30 mins of napping ruin an evening, you ask? I’ll tell you how.

    I picked up my son from his nursery today. The nursery worker very apologetically told me how she’d arrived back from her break to find my son asleep. He’d only slept for 30 mins.

    It won’t do any harm, right? Wrong!

    Later that evening, it’s edging towards my son’s bedtime, but I’m conscious of the nap that he had, so I allow just a little more time before ushering him upstairs. He gets ready reasonably well, without any meltdowns, which since dropping his nap have been a frequent bedtime routine visitor. So he’s all ready for bed, we read two books, tuck him in for the night and return to my daughter, ready to put her to bed.

    My daughter, however, is less willing. “I’m not tired,” she says. But with putting her brother to bed slightly later, now she is going to bed later, also, and to make it worse, it’s a school night.

    I wade through the barrage of complaints from my daughter, trying to encourage her towards getting ready for bed. Meanwhile, my son has decided he’s not tired either and would like a cuddle. So I break away from being able to get my daughter ready for bed to go upstairs and give him a cuddle and put him back to bed.

    Within less than a few minutes of returning downstairs, my daughter has not made any attempt to get ready for bed and is laid moping on the floor and my son is now out of bed again and at the gate at the top of the stairs.

    You can see where I’m going with this, right?

    After several more attempts to get my daughter ready, my son finally settles and stays in bed long enough for me to read two books to my daughter. We’ve not quite progressed to chapter books yet, but are in that awkward stage that the books are getting longer and longer and they still insist on having two books, but that is for another post lol!

    We’ve read our books, my daughter’s enjoyed drinking her new bedtime favourite, warm milk, and we’re finally able to go brush her teeth and put her to bed.
    It’s quiet when we reach the top of the stairs and open the gate, so I’m hopeful that my little boy has finally drifted off to sleep.

    Fast forward five minutes and we creep in to their bedroom and lo and behold, my son is still wide awake and decides this is the perfect time to get out of bed again. So now I’m trying to usher my daughter to bed whilst simultaneously trying to stop my son from getting out. If there was ever a moment I wish I could split myself in two, this would be it.
    It took me a few minutes, but I was finally able to say good night to them both and leave the room.

    Well, if I thought that was going to be that, I was deeply mistaken. Bearing in mind that on a good night it takes from 6:45pm when I take my son to bed, to around 8-8:30pm to finish settling my daughter in bed. 8pm on a good night. So at 8:10pm when my daughter says to me, distraught, that she hadn’t had a chance to tell me her day(which is our favourite time of the day) I was then torn with what to do. In the end, I figured the longer I say, sorry we can’t do it now, the longer the bedtime would take so I caved and sat down to listen.

    My son eagerly came to join in, so there we sat, each recounting our day, for the next 10-15mins. I must admit, when my little boy, who’s only 2 1/2 years old began telling us little snippets from his day at nursery, my heart started to melt. He had obviously taken in what we were talking about and realised he could have his turn, too.

    Everyone’s day had finally been recounted, the kids were both tucked up in bed again, they would surely go to sleep now, right? Wrong!
    It was now 8:50pm and I had already been back and forth to usher them back to bed. Trying to explain to my little girl that if she just tries hard to go to sleep, that her brother will surely follow suit.

    By this point I’m wound up to the gills and I know it’s really selfish of me, it wasn’t their fault they were having difficulties sleeping, but this was my time. My time to sit down for a minute and not hear mum for the 1000th time. My time to put the television on and watch an episode of something without feeling guilty or having someone require my attention every two minutes. My time to just stop and take a pause from the speeding train that is my life, right now.

    There’s no one else here to help me. No one else to say “It’s ok, you stop for a moment, I’ll go settle them this time.”

    It can be so frustrating. So exhausting. So lonely.

    Reflections

    So how do I reflect on this situation. How do I see this for what it is? How do I not allow this to drag me down?
    The first way would be to look at the situation objectively. My son had a danger nap at nursery and it made bedtime a stressful nightmare. So I would start by reminding myself that this is not a normal occurrence. They don’t normally allow him to nap(I’m still not quite sure how he managed it, but I wouldn’t put it past him to just take himself off with the other kids that nap and join in. He’s so cheeky.)

    So the fact that it’s not a normal everyday occurrence, that is a positive. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been through my fair share of sleepless nights and non-existent evenings. I solely took care of bedtimes and all the feedings, for both of my kids through choosing to breastfeed, because I struggled so much to pump milk.
    They usually sleep reasonably well. Only the odd wake up if they’ve had a bad dream or if they’re poorly. Now that my son is in a toddler bed, I found it easier to just keep the gate off their bedroom door, so they’re free to wander through if they need me. It also ensures my daughter can get to the toilet if needed.

    Step two is to ensure it doesn’t happen again, so I’ve already left a message for the nursery, politely asking that they do not allow him to nap again. They’re usually so good at following the no nap rule, too.

    I have since discovered that he was actually falling asleep at lunch time so their logic was to pop him down for a short nap to avoid him falling asleep, later in the day. I can completely understand their logic, unfortunately, that just then made it harder for me to get him to sleep at a reasonable time.

    Step three I did whilst writing this post. Simply writing it down. Getting the frustrated feelings out of my system. Channelling it in a way to offer a release from the pressure it held on me and then purposefully finding a way to reflect and see a huge stress in another light. That maybe in time, these stresses will slowly diminish their hold on me and that bit by bit, I will feel stronger and more able to cope.

    And maybe, just maybe someone reading this will feel a little stress ease, too.

  • Ogre in Me

    Ogre in Me

    Trigger warning. Major mum guilt and shame!

    Today, I am so thankful that my daughter is a beautiful soul. I, on the other hand, am a fricking ogre!

    Just lately, my daughter and I have been clashing a lot. Since she started school, her behaviour has changed dramatically. She’s naughtier, pushes boundaries more and just generally is cheekier. She’s got her dad’s sense of humour, for sure, so she thinks she’s hilarious!

    Of course, these are all normal things, kids will always test boundaries, but just lately I’m feeling so intensely overwhelmed that I’m finding it hard to see the funny side. So I just end up snapping and getting frustrated.

    My 4 year old daughter was invited to a classmate’s birthday party. When it came to the time to eat, there was a mad dash of children scrambling to the tables to claim a seat and, unfortunately, she did not manage to sit next to her best friend.
    After finally managing to calm her down, I steered her towards a seat next to a boy in her class. The boy began to protest that his friend had been sitting there. I felt really bad, but my daughter had begun to eat so I apologised profusely to the parents for the mistake. Of which they said not to worry about it.

    But when his friend returned, after nipping to the toilet, he was distraught at losing his seat and I felt horrendous. His mum tried to say it was okay and convince her son that he could sit in another seat, but he would not have it. To him it was a really big deal and it was not an option to go sit further around the table.

    There was only one thing to do. I knelt down to my daughter and asked kindly if she would mind moving to the next seat that was free, so that he could have his seat back, as I’d mistakenly sat her in his seat.
    The little star said yes, so we swapped her over to the other seat and he was able, once again, to sit next to his friend. 

    Photo by Ivan Samkov on Pexels.com

    What a beautiful young girl my daughter is becoming. When an opportunity arose to follow through on an act of kindness for her friend, she did so without hesitation. 

    I, on the other hand, I am such an ogre lately, and I don’t know how to snap out of it. I just feel so tense and stretched thin. I’m trying to keep my head above water, but the weight of all the things that are required of me are dragging me under.
    I don’t want to snap at my little girl. I don’t want to feel so overwhelmed all the time. I just want to feel happy again. Whatever that is.

    After a huge bout of anxiety, the doctor has put me on anti-anxiety medication. I really hoped the tablets would help. I mean, to some extent they have. I’m definitely not as bad as I was and it’s possible the dosage just isn’t strong enough. I just worry that the tablets are what’s making me worse. 

    I know what I need to do; I need to contact the doctors and speak about it. I am just so reluctant to go through another round of feeling rubbish from either upping the dosage or changing entirely to something else. 

    I really should be sleeping, not sitting up writing this. I just needed to write for a minute. I needed to focus on the beauty of my little girl today. Her beautiful soul. 

    I did at least, despite my ogreish, snappy behaviour today, manage to tell her how amazing she was to help the boy like that.

    The little gem also illustrated a book today. It was all her idea. I helped her with some spelling, and her dad and I both helped her to sellotape it together when it started to fall apart. The book contained pages of Paw Patrol pups that she had drawn and their names. 

    There was even a moment where she realised that the name Chase was a tricky word because the ‘e’ is silent and the ‘e’ is magic, so it makes the ‘a’ sound like it’s name. Amazing! She’s only 4 years old.

    I need to strive to be better. I will do better. I have to do better.

    Reflections

    At the time of writing this post, I needed an outlet for my shame and guilt about how I have been responding, lately, but sometimes it’s difficult to share how we feel with people we know. Or to even know where to begin to make things better.

    So I think at times like this we have to think about it from somebody else’s perspective. What would your best friend say if you talked to them about this? What would your therapist say?

    I know a good friend of mine would tell me to give myself a break. To take in some perspective. I’m a single mum to two children age 4 years and 2 years. I have a lot going on, it’s understandable that I am stressed, overwhelmed and tired.

    So in these moments, where the shame and guilt weigh heavy on our shoulders, try to take a moment to reflect. No parent is perfect, no parent gets it right all the time. The only thing we can do is to reflect, take accountability for our big emotions(we’re not here to make excuses for ourselves), apologise for them and strive to do better next time. And each time, step by step, the change will happen.

    I heard a great quote recently which said “All change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end.” Unfortunately I can’t remember the person’s name who spoke it as it was contained in one of the many videos I watch when doom scrolling on social media.

    Authors Note

    I don’t really know the exact intentions of this post. I suppose I hope that someone out there, maybe feeling a similar feeling that they’re not doing things right, will take something from this.

  • The Little Wins

    The Little Wins

    Being a parent is tough and sometimes it can feel like trying to climb a mountain with a ten ton weight on your shoulders, when a toddler is just not willing to cooperate. But sometimes we just need to see the little wins for what they are; a win!

    My little boy has been asking to buy a blue scooter, so he can ride just like his big sister does and seeing as though we are soon to be entering the beginning of summer, I decided this was probably the perfect time to allow him to learn. He does have a Paw Patrol scooter, but we found that with it having two wheels at the back, rather than at the front, he struggles to be able to ride it.

    Photo by Polesie Toys on Pexels.com

    After buying his scooter, we returned home. I needed to take a parcel to the post office nearby, so it was a great opportunity to let him have a little ride on his new scooter.
    He was really excited and eager to set off. He even told me not to help when I anxiously hovered my hands in case he wobbled.
    Silly mummy, he had this, didn’t I know?

    He was slow on it, but he rode it most of the way to the post office, with only a little help as the paths where we live are so poorly managed, the paving slabs are really uneven in places. My daughter had already had an unfortunate face plant on her scooter when riding this path, so even with her I find myself cautiously keeping them steady on the bumpier bits.
    As awful as it was, it did prove to be a valuable lesson to her why we must always wear a helmet, because had she not worn it she would have broken her nose, for sure.

    If you hadn’t noticed by now, I do get a little off topic sometimes lol! Back to the topic at hand.

    We made it to the post office and I explained to my little boy that he couldn’t ride the scooter in the shop. He must get off and walk nicely, which he did without too much fuss and an acknowledging “Okay, mummy.”
    However, once we entered the shop and were stuck in a boring queue, waiting for a member of staff to be free, he wanted to ride his scooter again and tried his hardest to get back on it.

    Understandably, for a two year old, waiting even a minute seems like a lifetime, so the paddy began. I held my cool, sure that my face was becoming flushed. I don’t like people to notice me at the best of times, so when my toddler/child is creating and drawing attention, I just want to crawl in a cave and hide.
    We were finally served by the member of staff and my son actually stopped creating and behaved as good as gold until we left the shop, which was a relief.
    When we got out of the shop, however, the biggest meltdown of all began. We needed to return home, so I steered him back the way we came. Out of nowhere he began trying to turn the scooter around and he became distraught and suddenly started crying.

    This isn’t the first time this has happened. It’s possible that walking back the way we came is not acceptable to him. Or perhaps he thought we were going somewhere else, or that maybe he just didn’t want to go home so soon. But unfortunately, this time, I needed to get us home again pretty quick to put a chicken in the oven for dinner.

    I suppose in hindsight it wasn’t the best time to let him ride the scooter for the first time, but at the same time, he needed an opportunity to have a go on it.

    From there and most of the way home, he refused to walk or ride the scooter. In utter refusal to turn around, I scooped him up, picked up the scooter, and marched home with him protesting in my arms. He is getting quite heavy now for me to carry, so I kept trying to encourage him to either ride the scooter or stand on it so I could pull him home. He was having none of it.

    What was a super exciting adventure, riding his new scooter, became yet another difficult journey home.

    When we finally arrived at home, the mood unfortunately carried on and this is one of those times when I probably should have picked my battles.

    My son was hungry again. At lunch time, he hadn’t really entertained the cheese wrap that he’d agreed to eat.
    After the fact, it occurred to me that it possibly wasn’t the right block of cheese that he liked. He can be quite particular with what he will and won’t eat, at the moment.

    We finally settled on something for him to eat, but I wanted him to sit at the kitchen table, however, he was insistent that he was going to sit in the lounge and eat whilst watching Numberblocks.
    But of course, me being me, still feeling somewhat stressed from the walk home, I stuck to my guns and said no. I’d asked him to sit at the table and that he could watch Numberblocks after he’d finished his food.
    Well… at least 10 mins later, the meltdown was still in full swing. Tears streaming down his face. How dare I not let him eat his food whilst watching his favourite program. The big emotions were definitely out in the open.

    I offered him hugs, tried to console him enough to find some calm, but realised I’d made my bed, so I had to just carry on with the no TV rule. I mean, if it’s a snack, I’m usually not too bothered by TV. It’s meal times where I draw the line. But I guess, to him, his food was merely a snack.
    Although he’d rejected it, in his eyes he’d eaten his lunch.

    He calmed enough for me to begin washing up before dinner prep and he began to play with a toy. It was only a short while later, I realised he’d edged nearer to his food, which he had abandoned in a bowl on the chair.
    I slowly took a step closer to see if he was finally eating and to my delight he was actually sat on the chair in the living room, munching away on his food; the TV was long forgotten.

    Shortly after I thought he had finished his food. I went in to act as I had promised, to put Numberblocks on the TV for him, when he had finished eating, only to realise he still had a few bites left. I braced myself as I slowly lowered the remote (or “clicker” as it is now called in our house. Thanks Nanny lol!) praying that the meltdown wouldn’t resume and do you know what… the little star sat there munched away happily on his last few bites. He then bounded into the kitchen, placed his bowl in the sink as requested with another little “Okay, mummy” and returned to have his hands wiped.

    He was happy once again, sitting comfortably watching Numberblocks, like it had never happened.

    Reflections

    I think, often, we don’t realise just how strong our resilience is when it comes to riding the wave of emotions from our little ones. At the time, our shoulders tense, the stress levels rise and if you’re anything like me, I find it hard to shake that feeling off when the moment has passed.


    Our toddlers and children are amazing examples that in order to heal an emotion, we have to feel an emotion. ( I heard that quote somewhere, but me being me, I’ve completely forgotten where. Probably on one of the many podcasts I listen to.)
    He was upset with me; I made him go the wrong way after the post office and then I wouldn’t let him watch his favourite TV program. He’s two and a half years old; in his world that was a huge deal and after hugging it out, allowing him to feel and get through the emotions, we reached a peaceful end.

    I don’t always react the right way. I know I can be a tad hot headed and stubborn, so when I say something, like impose a rule, I tend to stick to my guns and will not be swayed, no matter the paddy.
    I did, however, manage to show him that mummy meant what she had said so when he finished his food he was then able to watch his favourite program.

    Another thing I try to keep in mind, is that despite how hard it is to parent my strong willed child, I know that what is difficult now will make a brilliant quality for my child, later in life.

    So to sum up, when life with a toddler or child(or even on occasion the adults) have big emotions, just remember the little wins.
    That even if you don’t see it now, one day you’ll hopefully look back and think, wow that did make a difference.

  • A Little Introduction.

    Welcome to my blog, The Ruminating Mum.

    As I sit here, writing this, I’m not even sure if I will manage to pluck up the courage to post what I write, but for now, I will start with just a little bit about myself.

    My name is Tamzin, Tamz for short, and I am a 38-year-old single mum of two children: a girl aged 4 years old (almost 5) and a boy aged 2 1/2 years old (almost 3).

    You can probably tell from the title of my blog that I am a deep thinker and have, unfortunately, spent most of my life ruminating and worrying my way through to now.
    I have more recently been trying really hard to be better and seek help for my anxiety, through the way of talking and, more recently, through medication.
    I’m self-diagnosed (still awaiting an official diagnosis) with ADHD, which I think, more often than not, is the root cause of my struggles.

    It is through my current healing process that I sought solace in writing down how I was feeling. Writing feels good, especially when something is weighing on my mind, as a way to feel some sense of release.

    After writing my thoughts and feelings of the day down, I found myself looking over what I had written and trying to think of it from another’s perspective. By doing so, I was able to not excuse my thoughts or behaviors, but better understand what was happening and try to use that in order to show up better next time.

    I mean, let’s face it, no matter how hard we strive as parents to be perfect for our children, we’re going to get it wrong from time to time, and what matters is how we show them the ability to apologise when we’re wrong, show them how to work through OUR big emotions, and strive to be better. Not only for them, but for ourselves and others around us.

    I’m going to lay it out there that I am in no way a professional. I have never trained in any way that would allow me to say I am qualified to help people. I am definitely not that. I suppose I hope that, just by showing up and talking about my experiences, no matter how big or small, maybe someone reading this might find the courage to talk about their own struggles as a parent.

    I firmly believe that talking openly is the key to healing, and if someone doesn’t want to hear it, then find the one person who will, even if that is a stranger at the other end of a helpline.

    But hey, maybe you’re happy with how you are, and you just like to read blogs; that’s totally fine, too. Hi.

    I will kindly ask, though, that people keep this a safe space. I will not accept hurtful or hateful comments. I am just a mum, a human being, trying to get through life and parenting without a manual, just like everyone else, and with very little support.

    If you can do one thing today, be kind. Please. That’s all I ask.