Parties have never been my thing. I think when it comes to big group gatherings, I find it so hard to know where I should be or which conversation I should join in with that I just end up on the sidelines, observing.
Today was different. Today I made it through my daughter’s birthday party, where she was able to invite her first school friends. Don’t get me wrong; I still found it incredibly difficult, but I am proud that I was able to show up for my daughter and saw a glimmer of the mum I want to be.
Up to now, we’ve only had a few family get-togethers, which my daughter thoroughly enjoyed. It was easier for me to manage my anxiety because I was surrounded by loved ones. It felt less unpredictable, meaning I was able to engage and enjoy the day without being consumed by the anxiety and nervousness that I would feel at a larger gathering.
I know I can easily build things up in my head and blow things out of proportion. Just the sheer thought of having to entertain parents and children that I don’t really know puts me into a state of panic.
Yet today, I did it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I felt slightly awkward at times, but the conversations for the most part flowed naturally. I didn’t feel like I needed to force anything.
When I felt a mum might be feeling a little left out, as she didn’t know anyone else, I went out of my way to talk to her. I dealt with another child needing a change of clothes. I tried my best to speak up when I needed to.
Now I’m not saying I’m cured and that I can now cope with throwing a full class party for thirty children, but I have proven to myself today that I am more capable than I believed possible.
Today I feel proud of myself!
Reflections
I think the thing I will take from this the most is that I can easily overplay things in my head, to the point that they become something that will most likely not even happen.
It comes from a real depth of uncertainty: not knowing what will happen, how people will perceive me, and how I will cope with it all.
I know I shouldn’t care what people think of me, but I think that comes from a deep feeling of not feeling accepted. I still don’t know where I fit into the world, so I always feel like people won’t like me. I also have a bad habit of saying something daft that I didn’t want to say and instantly regretting it, awkwardly tripping over something, or being just generally clumsy.
In times like these, we just have to remember that a little uncertainty is okay. It’s impossible to know everything or every outcome. But by facing these uncertain moments, we will prove to ourselves that it’s okay and we can get through things, no matter how much our anxiety tries to tell us otherwise.
One of my favourite mantras at the moment is: Avoidance is not the answer. Whenever I’m feeling like my mind is spiralling, I remind myself that avoidance will feed the anxiety; avoidance lets the anxiety win.
The Ruminating Mum 
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