Ogre in Me

Trigger warning. Major mum guilt and shame!

Today, I am so thankful that my daughter is a beautiful soul. I, on the other hand, am a fricking ogre!

Just lately, my daughter and I have been clashing a lot. Since she started school, her behaviour has changed dramatically. She’s naughtier, pushes boundaries more and just generally is cheekier. She’s got her dad’s sense of humour, for sure, so she thinks she’s hilarious!

Of course, these are all normal things, kids will always test boundaries, but just lately I’m feeling so intensely overwhelmed that I’m finding it hard to see the funny side. So I just end up snapping and getting frustrated.

My 4 year old daughter was invited to a classmate’s birthday party. When it came to the time to eat, there was a mad dash of children scrambling to the tables to claim a seat and, unfortunately, she did not manage to sit next to her best friend.
After finally managing to calm her down, I steered her towards a seat next to a boy in her class. The boy began to protest that his friend had been sitting there. I felt really bad, but my daughter had begun to eat so I apologised profusely to the parents for the mistake. Of which they said not to worry about it.

But when his friend returned, after nipping to the toilet, he was distraught at losing his seat and I felt horrendous. His mum tried to say it was okay and convince her son that he could sit in another seat, but he would not have it. To him it was a really big deal and it was not an option to go sit further around the table.

There was only one thing to do. I knelt down to my daughter and asked kindly if she would mind moving to the next seat that was free, so that he could have his seat back, as I’d mistakenly sat her in his seat.
The little star said yes, so we swapped her over to the other seat and he was able, once again, to sit next to his friend. 

What a beautiful young girl my daughter is becoming. When an opportunity arose to follow through on an act of kindness for her friend, she did so without hesitation. 

I, on the other hand, I am such an ogre lately, and I don’t know how to snap out of it. I just feel so tense and stretched thin. I’m trying to keep my head above water, but the weight of all the things that are required of me are dragging me under.
I don’t want to snap at my little girl. I don’t want to feel so overwhelmed all the time. I just want to feel happy again. Whatever that is.

After a huge bout of anxiety, the doctor has put me on anti-anxiety medication. I really hoped the tablets would help. I mean, to some extent they have. I’m definitely not as bad as I was and it’s possible the dosage just isn’t strong enough. I just worry that the tablets are what’s making me worse. 

I know what I need to do; I need to contact the doctors and speak about it. I am just so reluctant to go through another round of feeling rubbish from either upping the dosage or changing entirely to something else. 

I really should be sleeping, not sitting up writing this. I just needed to write for a minute. I needed to focus on the beauty of my little girl today. Her beautiful soul. 

I did at least, despite my ogreish, snappy behaviour today, manage to tell her how amazing she was to help the boy like that.

The little gem also illustrated a book today. It was all her idea. I helped her with some spelling, and her dad and I both helped her to sellotape it together when it started to fall apart. The book contained pages of Paw Patrol pups that she had drawn and their names. 

There was even a moment where she realised that the name Chase was a tricky word because the ‘e’ is silent and the ‘e’ is magic, so it makes the ‘a’ sound like it’s name. Amazing! She’s only 4 years old.

I need to strive to be better. I will do better. I have to do better.

Reflections

At the time of writing this post, I needed an outlet for my shame and guilt about how I have been responding, lately, but sometimes it’s difficult to share how we feel with people we know. Or to even know where to begin to make things better.

So I think at times like this we have to think about it from somebody else’s perspective. What would your best friend say if you talked to them about this? What would your therapist say?

I know a good friend of mine would tell me to give myself a break. To take in some perspective. I’m a single mum to two children age 4 years and 2 years. I have a lot going on, it’s understandable that I am stressed, overwhelmed and tired.

So in these moments, where the shame and guilt weigh heavy on our shoulders, try to take a moment to reflect. No parent is perfect, no parent gets it right all the time. The only thing we can do is to reflect, take accountability for our big emotions(we’re not here to make excuses for ourselves), apologise for them and strive to do better next time. And each time, step by step, the change will happen.

I heard a great quote recently which said “All change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end.” Unfortunately I can’t remember the person’s name who spoke it as it was contained in one of the many videos I watch when doom scrolling on social media.

Authors Note

I don’t really know the exact intentions of this post. I suppose I hope that someone out there, maybe feeling a similar feeling that they’re not doing things right, will take something from this.